Help || Hwang Hyunjin

ONE

It is almost like an obsession.... When there isn't a solid answer and you go in search of one, you have to travel a long path before reaching, the answer. Sadly, no shortcut replaces that long, sticky route. It is the route in which you can never be left alone but still feel loneliness take over you, swallow you as a whole. Distractions, toxicity, perplexment, rage, duality, betrayal and solitude. They are all what makes this path so sticky.

It is an endless loop, like being stuck in a house of cards that you need to escape but simply cannot pull yourself to do so... Where you really can't find what you are looking for or can't tolerate what is being thrown at you, yet, stand there still trying to go deeper, continue the scenario and look forward to the consequences. These are consequences we all know almost certainly that never lead to affirmations. They only point to disappointment, anger and an even more intense bafflement.

It's just an obsession after all... Its definition has to be unpleasant. It's the extreme version of curiosity that is being defined here; where you cannot let go of something that may not be trivial but going to such extents for anything in the end is... useless.

My life... it sucked just like this definition... It was simply pathetic.

I sat there as the pitter-patter of the rain only increased the depth of the sullen vibe spread across the dark room. The frosty floor had pulled me down and I didn't go against its power as I sat there, with a compass in my left hand while my right palm was placed on my left shoulder, covering the freshly abused skin. I was surprised at how I was able to pull that off so quickly. I was indeed hesitant but it was becoming a habit now, a very toxic habit that I had to let go of but simply couldn't do so.

The tears showed no signs either. Maybe I was getting used to this, to this pain. Whenever an incident like this occurred, it would hurt two areas: one, the area that is being targeted and two, my heart. I knew it was wrong. I imagined people screaming behind me, to stop doing what I was doing and that it was unnecessary to be so hard on myself but it didn't hit me that I was actually not going easy on myself.

I didn't need a mirror to see what it looked like. I was familiar with the cuts and bruises. I just imagined how pleasantly or unpleasantly I wore those marks...

A picture in my head, of myself, grew as I imagined how I looked with a huge grin, two thin lines for eyebrows and a nose with flared nostrils. In simple words, I pictured myself as a pig. You know, sometimes, pigs can be cute too, but no; I only imagined myself as the ugliest pig you could have ever passed by.

It had been nearly a year since my eating disorder had started. It was mild in the beginning but now it was somewhere at its peak. I ate in extremely tiny portion sizes, made sure to run at least three miles a day with that little fuel I got and even threw up half of what I ate. This had become my life. Anorexia nervosa had taken over my life; it was eating me up.

What made matters worse was the fact that I actually didn't live alone. I was only 16 so I lived with my parents, grandparents and a sister who was five years older than me. Due to them living with me, it was almost as if we shared the problem together and I hated it. It was a barrier between me and my wish but they meant well. They only wanted the best for me.

What was joy? I think I had forgotten what being happy even meant by...

When I heard my mother's call, I quickly ran out of the room, trying to hide the marks. I went all the way downstairs, to be met by my mom and dad.

"Where's Chaeyoung?" I asked, seeing no signs of my sister.

"She is staying over at grandma's place today," she replied, pulling a chair and showing a signal for me to sit down.

I gave her a soft smile before I went and sat down, getting ready to face my biggest enemy: food.

So, I did; I did fight a battle against my food and it is not for me to judge whether I won or lost...

---

I burst out of the front door, hastily screaming a "good bye" to my mom as I sprinted to the bus stop. I ran and ran like my life depended on it.

I was right in the nick of time. Had I been even a second, I don't think I would have seen the funky sight of the bright yellow school bus.

I quickly got in, desperately searching for a seat as I was worried that my legs would completely give up.

Not more than five seconds passed by before the bus zoomed out of the colony, heading to the next and final bus stop that came before our school.

I looked out of the window, still slightly out of breath.

I almost leapt out of my seat when I heard a thud right next to me.

"Why?" was all he said or rather yelled.

I just blinked at him, clearly confused as to why this giant was talking to me. I had never spoken to him before and didn't see a reason to do so even now. I wasn't brave enough to say anything so I just ended up staring at his face till that wasn't possible either, due to how frightening his gaze really was.

"Do you like me?"

That was a bolt out of the blue. He looked at my baffled face with the most irksome smirk that I had ever seen. How was it even possible to look so aggravating?

"No", I managed to weakly blurt out.

He scoffed and I was not anticipating what he wanted to do next. I still sat in my seat there, like a meerkat, stuck in the claws of a predator.

"How dare you take my seat", he growled, making me flinch out of my will.

So, all of this was just for a seat... Chan Ji sure did live up to his nickname- Babirusa. Like the animal, he was a unique madman but unlike the animal, he was just too much of a bully.

"Move, you simpleton!" he spat out, as he swung his bag in the air. That was exactly when the driver had to put the brakes on suddenly as we reached the next stop, causing the bus to jerk. The bag that once was in the air, hit my jaw causing me to bang my face on the window. It didn't take too long for the metallic taste of blood to reach my tongue.

Before I could process what had happened, a long-haired boy pushed him aside and gently placed his palm on my shoulder.

"Cut it out, Chan ji".

----

Hello there!

This is my first time writing fanfiction so I hope you like it! If there are any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors, feel free to point them out.

Thank you^^