MishBir: Someone You Love(d)

45|| Ensemble

The park was quieter than either of them thought it would be, and the pleasant weather was an added bonus. There were clouds and gentle breeze - it felt soothing to the eyes and to the soul. Abhay and Abir sat on a bench, an old Banyan tree behind them taking them in its magical shade.

“Mishti told me about the deal you made with your mother”, Abhay dropped the bomb straight away, without trying to sugar coat anything and Abir winced, squeezing his eyes shut.

“I knew she would be hurt and - ", he stopped mid sentence, opening his eyes again and turning to meet Abhay's eyes, “I knew the consequences I was risking but I couldn't see any other way out”.

Abhay nodded, not debating on that. He let another moment pass, and then spoke again, “But now you see two ways out, don't you?"

Abir exhaled, shrugging, aware that there was no way he could hide anything from this one person who had held every broken piece in Mishti's life together until she was ready to glue them back and somehow, without a direct involvement he had pushed him on that road too.

"It's not exactly a way out. In my head, there are two choices I can make. And both seem like the right in one moment and feel wrong in the other”, Abir spoke, his gaze dropping to the ground.

Abhay only gestured for him to go on when their eyes met.

Abir paused, realizing that the theory and the explanation was much clearer in his head than trying to put it out in words, but he needed to speak, so he tried again, “When Mishti went back to London, I knew it was the best thing for her but it didn't make me miss her any less. I was constantly scared that she wouldn't come back, that she would realize she deserved so much better and I knew that wouldn't be the wrong anyway. But that's where the two choices started troubling me - one was to let her go because I was constantly struggling to make sure me and people related to me stop scarring her and was falling miserably. She deserved to be happier and treated much better than how I treated her. But -”, he stopped, rubbing both his hands on his face to take a deep breath.

“But?", Abhay promoted.

“But I don't want to live without her either. Especially when Mishti never gave up on me, and didn't take the out I gave her so many times through these three months. She chose me irrespective of how much I hurt her and I want to do the same. I want to choose her and keep choosing her everytime. I don't know how to envision a life without her. I want to be a better person for her, I want to treat her better. I want so many things but I don't want to be -”, he struggled to finish his rant, unaware that Abhay already had a knowing smile on his face, “Selfish. I don't want to be selfish when I constantly feel like I am not good enough for her".

Abhay chose to give him a few minutes of silence to collect his thoughts. He already knew of that dilemma - he had easily concluded the same from Mishti's words last night. Either way, what he was about to tell Abir was more important, especially when everything henceforth was going to depend on how much Abir grasped it and how he reacted to it.

“Abir, have you ever thought about taking professional help? Therapy?”, Abay tasted the waters, trying to gauge his reaction.

Abir looked nervous but admitted anyway, “Mishti has mentioned to me a couple of times. I have been looking, kind of researching but never got around to actually going”.

Abhay nodded, and then turned to face him properly, “What I am about to tell you and discuss with you - legally I shouldn't. It will cost me my license if this was UK. But it's not, so I am taking the bait, but you have to promise me you will go for a session on your own. I digged up a list of potential therapists you can seek, and I need you to try. A patient and his therapist is like lock and key - any random key isn't the right fit. Sometimes it takes more than one attempt to find the right person, but it's worth it, yeah?”