Humane

Chapter 13

I floated upon cool waters in my subconsciousness, which was perhaps a reflection of my fondness of oceans, but I was still in great distress. I didn't want to be aware of the paralyzing sensations of a knife cutting flesh as the 'me' stabbed two adults relentlessly anymore.

It stung.

I just didn't know what to do and where to go, especially since all I was capable of was to cry while reliving the same moment, over and over and over...

"Joker... Joker?"

My eyes searched for an invisible being's presence as soon as I regained control upon myself. It was all so quiet and peaceful, and it burnt me inside so painfully, because I couldn't even pretend that the corpse beneath me was still breathing.

This place of extreme pride in our school would forever be my nightmare from then on.

Joker wouldn't allow me to give Marlon a second chance at life in exchange for a wish, I wouldn't want to mess with the laws of Death, Marlon's family situation wasn't okay, and–

He wouldn't want to be back from the warm embrace of the darkness of death either, because living with the memories of a loved one erased from existence by your own hands was simply torment...

But how could I bear the pain of him gone, all alone, especially being the reason his soul slipped away?

How could I even walk another step without fearing the innocents I may hurt?

How could I have even considered the two wishes to be a safety net yesterday night?

I always messed up everything. My actions had only led to a situation that had worsened beyond repair, all for momentary relief and happiness... And now I had to pay the price with a never-ending heartache of 'what could've been'.

I called for Joker again, slightly more tired than last time, barely noticing the intense headache that tore my head apart - the headache that would later turn me into the monster I was meant to be.

I regretted not being actively involved in Marlon's life, and deep inside, I knew I was reaching out for Joker only to confirm Marlon was truly dead... and perhaps, I even wanted to shift the blame upon Joker for not granting him the spark of life once more.

My voice slowly began cracking and, suddenly, I was choking on my own words as ugly tears rolled down my face ever so steadily. I couldn't even speak, my throat having been blocked by constant sobs. I simply had nothing left in me. The line I maintained to differentiate me and Doll, that baseless assurance that I used to define myself as a non-paranormal being, was shattered.

Weren't she and I the same from the very beginning to the very end?

Actually, why was she the devil again?

Dizzy, I collapsed to my knees. "Come back to me?" I begged, trying to strike up a conversation of some sort with a cold and unbreathing body. He always answered, Marlon. I should've had... asked more questions.

I could only try to comfort myself thereafter, replaying a single moment for what seemed like hours.

I helped him escape from the painful reality not worth living in... correct? I did the right thing... correct?

"Were you happy..." I asked in great dismay, at the verge of breaking down, "At least?"

And then I covered my mouth with my hands to push back a scream.

Of course he was not.

He was the unluckiest and unhappiest person to ever exist even though he deserved all the fortunes of this material world for his infinite kindness and an even bigger heart. But now, he wouldn't even get a funeral because only I could see him in my version of reality. He was wiped off all records, he was dead, he was forgotten.

What was the point of living anymore? Why, just for me, could he give his life up? With what face was I going to pull my father into this as well?

I wanted to stab myself with something, I wanted to experience the pain I inflicted upon Marlon, because I knew it would help me cope despite the self-destructive action. I, too, was falling into the same toxic and negative loop as him but it was all so inevitable.

Somewhere in my mind, I could almost perceive his calm and soothing voice convincing me to value myself, promising me that he would never blame me.

I could've given anything to hear him again, just once more.

He had told me, once upon a time, that someday I'd understand his actions. And I had impertinently answered that he had a hero complex, blaming him for my upcoming death. But now that the 'someday' finally come along... It was all over, it was far too late, and it was him who was gone instead of me.

Every person, no matter how frustrated they were in their lives, struggled to a certain degree in their last moments. It was... human tendency. However, Marlon chose to die undefended, and I had a hunch that it was not only for him to reunite with his sister - if Heaven truly existed - but also to keep me safe because Doll had inhabited my body.

He was the definition of a sacrifice made in vain. Who the hell was he saving?

It would have been fine if I died - because I deserved to!

"I'm not going to ask for him, Joker," I said, my throat completely dry. "I have a different wish. It doesn't involve death."

"...I'll let you know that my hands are bound. That kid's last wish was for me to protect you for your entire natural existence. I will not be entertaining moody and impulsive decisions today."

Not only was his life a worthless sacrifice, so was his wish.

But wasn't there a way... to stop the pain...?

"Ava." Joker's harsh voice forced me out of my fantasies.

I grudgingly agreed, wiped the tears off my face, got up to find my way to my next class, the library period. "I'm sorry I don't know how to dig you a grave..." I whispered in the very end, leaving behind a person I had doubted a thousand times despite his pure intentions.

As I swallowed down the tears and blinked thrice to bring about an unperturbed expression, I had only one rule to follow.

Just act natural. Like nothing ever happened.

And then I was back to the garden once more, desperately yelling out for Joker.

~~

A/N: God, writing this physically hurt me...

Also, finally a short-ish chapter (been a while)!

Anyway, I think I finally reached my 20K milestone... but I still have so much to say! I am trying my best to write properly as fast as possible. However, I know there might have been issues so feel free to let me know! And this is also the first time I have done a timeline jump (Chapter 10 --> Chapter 13 --> Chapter 11 --> Chapter 12) so do let me know if it was executed right!

This was a scene I had previously scrapped (taken place before Chapter 11, right after Marlon fell) because I felt it was unnecessary, but it helped me in the end!

Thank you for reading!

And, Marlon, I... miss you.