apr. 4th, 2022
i sit here, writing this at nearly 2am because my drive to write is more than my drive to lay in my bed and sleep.
it's been so long since i've been able to just sit and write like this, so long since i've let my mind indulge in this act.
and why is that?
why have i become so busy all of a sudden that i can't sit and write?
why has my mind become so... cluttered that i can't find the time to sit back and release all the words jumbled in my mind?
but i'll get nowhere if i just keep asking questions and avoid looking at how the situation has been affecting me instead.
busyness is not just being busy.
there's a part to being busy that we don't talk about — something that's just underneath the surface of humanity.
a connection between busyness and self-importance and in a way, reputation.
the more busy a person is, the more likely that we are to think of this person as important or worthy of respect.
even more than that, it also changes how that person is likely to view themselves.
and in some ways, being busy has changed the way i see myself.
i used to be the kind of person to eagerly give up my time to help others but now that i have so much to do and now that i'm being paid for my time, i don't help.
when i was younger, i would disappear to try and inflate my self-worth through scarcity because i thought that if i made myself rare, i would be valued more.
but faking it isn't the same as the real thing. it doesn't have the same impact.
you can always come back from a disappearance, return to old patterns, but busyness? it's harder to unravel.
it becomes an addiction.
a lifestyle.
something harder to just hit undo on.
and the more i step into this web of working long hours, the more i realize that my life up to this point was easy.
and that, from now on, i'll only become more and more busy until one day...
i just die.
what kind of existence is this, to while away doing work for other people?
who cares about reputation and how much people value you if you're barely around to even appreciate it?
and why is being busy seen as so valued in our society? why is productivity and efficiency more valuable than taking our time and living our lives in peace?
all this time, i wanted people to see me and recognize me but... maybe i really needed was to see and recognize myself.
to not let the delusion of busyness distract me from who i really am.
YOU ARE READING
arcane magic
Short Storya book of poetic ramblings, where words have the power to make us feel both lost and found all at once. an exploration of what it means to be alive and feel things and why we're here.
