No longer alone-paddy Holland

What to do

After what happened about four nights ago with paddy before and after the bath, had happened once more and that was yesterday, I don't know what to do, my feelings for him have grown larger every day, filming had started and it was so much fun,

I don't even want to talk about Jake he's pissed me off so much, I walked to Betty's cafe yesterday and just my luck he was there and being bitchy at me like I had done something wrong and then asks me if I wanted to go on that date he promised let's just say I grabbed my coffee and donut and got out of there as fast as physically possible. It was probably my worst day this month and I got stood up by him, he infuriates me to the point that I want to kill him and I wouldn't care if I went to jail.

After filing wrapped up today I saw paddy and so we drove to the hotel together listening to harry styles- as it was, it almost felt like it was made for me and paddy and I looked at him when he sand "you know it's not the same as it was", I watched paddy shake his fluffy mess ball of hair and tap his wheel to the beat it made me smile yet break like glass shattering as I looked at what I lost, I still think about how it would have been if I had forgiven him that night when he came to my window but that's the past and I shouldn't dwell on it right?

As the song came to an end we got to the hotel and parked the car as I got out the black car I was waiting infront of it for paddy, we walked up to his room and watched a movie called big and now that I think about it it's sorta paedophilic as she feel in love with a child in a man's body, weird, but it is such a good movie, as the movie came to an end I looked to my side and saw a sleeping paddy snuggled up to my arm, I moved his hair out of his face and kissed him on the head, I turned to grab the remote to turn the tv off and as I'm about to stand I got a tug at my arm and a grumpy, "where are you going, I was comfy", I looked down and he was half asleep yet awake with wide eyes staining into my soul, "paddy I'm tired and want to sleep so I'm going to my room", "no stay here with me", "no", "why not", because I want my bed paddy not yours and I'm not in my pjs", "ok fine I'm coming to yours then", "fine whatever but we both have an early start tomorrow", "yay".

We walked over to my room and I told him I needed to get dressed so wait here and no surprise he didn't listen I felt little kisses on the back of my neck after taking off my top "stopppp that's ticking me", "how about no" I take this chance to put my pj top on and change into little shorts, after that I jumped into my bed and paddy followed, we cuddled and just as I was about to fall asleep I hear a whisper, I turn and face him and as I do he kisses me with so much more passion then ever before it made me think what is this I mean what are we?
I pushed away a little and we just started staring again we both lent in and next thing I know we're both naked and sweaty, "pads", "yeah el", "what is this","what do you mean" he sat up "I mean what is this a fling or something else" I sat up,  " well what do you want this to be", "paddy you can't ask me that", "and why not" he looked at me puzzled "because I don't think I'm ready to be with you like I want but I love what we're doing", "ok", "ok?, what do you mean ok!" I looked shocked I mean I just told him that I basically still had feelings for him, " ok means I'm thinking, ok how about we just become friends with benefits" "those never work out have you seen the movies" "well I'm willing to try" I thought for a second and I decided it was risky but I really wanted to do it "ok I'll think about it", "ok but if we do this we can't sleep with other people and we have to tell if we're interested in anyone else so we both can talk about ending the deal" paddy was right it was like a deal and I've always wondered how it would work so I listens to my heart not my brain and said "yes let's do it 'buddy'" I laughed he looked grossed out "ok never call me buddy" oh what you going to do BUDDY" I ran out of my bed and to the bathroom, I locked the door I mean I ain't stupid "el open the door" hmm no sorry can't buddy" "el I need to pee" "hmm to bad buddy" "ok stop now" "ok fineeee"