Conflicting Desires

Chapter One

Audrey 

A bleak and dismal Tuesday morning in the middle of winter is hardly the time to make life-altering decisions, but here I am, bags packed, enjoying the wind on my face as we drive 130 mph to our future together.

"Are we doing this?" I ask, shaking my head in disbelief.  

The question should be, "Am I actually doing this?"  

My eyes move to the driver's seat and the smile - that cheeky dimpled smile - on his face calms me a little. 

"We are!" He laughs, pressing the car horn in excitement. Calmer, he repeats to himself. "We are." His face sags, with a blank expression on his face.  

I can tell that he is thinking the same thing as me. I am not the only one in disbelief. He glances at me, perhaps to check if I am freaking out. If there's a time to freak out, this is the moment. 

"Whop!" I exclaim excitedly, alleviating his suspicions. I turn to put my head out the window, yelling at the empty road ahead. 'We're doing this!' The chilly morning wind blows my curly hair into my mouth, obscuring my view.

I put my head back in the car, laughing, pushing my hair off my face. I tuck my hair behind my ears and breathe out forcefully, hoping it will release the tight hold I feel in my chest, the knot in the insides of my stomach, and the lump in my throat. 

It doesn't. 

"Are you okay?" He asks. 

Clearing my throat, "Yeah, I am." I roll my head in his direction, "Talk to me, say anything," I urge. 

I don't want everything to go quiet. Quiet is not a good place. It's a dark place. Quiet is where my thoughts go loud. 

I am Audrey Gibson, and I am often referred to as thoughtless by my parents. I do think. I think it's not a good idea to elope at eighteen with my upcoming musician boyfriend. I think pursuing a career in creative arts will probably leave me broke in the future. And I think thinking makes people sad. 

My thoughts are not a happy place. It's like being in a dark narrow room, with no ventilation with this ticking sound-tick, tick, tick - and I don't know where it's coming from. Why go there, when I can be here with him? 

I can watch his blonde hair fall over his perfect face. I can watch him push it away casually, as if he doesn't know how attractive it makes him look. I can watch him squint his eyes and try to see - he will never admit he needs glasses -, and most importantly, I can watch him smile like he is doing right now, a deep dimpled smile showing off his perfect teeth. 

Tripp is not like those guys that are never caught smiling. He loves to smile and I love seeing him smile. He looks so beautiful at 6 am,–yeah, beautiful- maybe it's the feeling of impending change that's creating this feeling in me. The feeling of wanting to capture this moment, here and now before it becomes nothing but a memory. 

"I called Jim earlier. He said we can crash with his brother while we are in LA." 

"Good, great," I nod. 

We have a place to stay, that's a good thing, right? 

My eyes move down to his hand as he reaches out to mine. I beam with happiness as I place my hand on his and give it a tight squeeze.

"We are going to be okay." Our eyes lock for a moment. Green to brown, "I am going to take care of us." He promises. 

I believe him. 

I met Tripp a year ago at a mutual friend's party. I was seated in the corner of the room trying to work on my college admission essay. I had my headphones on, so I didn't hear him perform. Apparently, he had his eyes on me all night and was hurt that I didn't listen to the song. So as punishment –it wasn't a punishment to me-, he gave me a private concert, and we stayed up till the next morning just talking about everything and nothing. Ever since that night, we have been inseparable.