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chapter thirty-nine

My head is pounding as I wake up.

Normally, I would say it's the alcohol.

But not today.

I don't move one bit as I wake up – the thought with which I fell asleep is right back, now that I'm awake. And it dominates everything else.

My stare is blank. Nothing. It feels like I see nothing.

I just... don't understand.

I thought Clay knew about our game... I mean, he started it. Or I thought he did.

But... but if Clay didn't anticipate it, if he didn't know about it, if... What was that then last night? Why was he acting the way he did? Why was he angry? Why...

I just don't understand.

But I need to.

This... I was so happy about visiting home for the weekend. The whole train ride I imagined what could happen with Clay – just imagining seeing him again... imagining having sex with him again... I just was looking so damn forward to all of this.

And now that.

I blink a few times. It's sunny. I don't look out of the window, but because of the light I can clearly see the dust in my room flying around. It's a nice day – not representing my emotions right now – but a nice day.

It's also probably noon pretty soon. I mean, I left the party kind of early. I just quickly gave Kara a heads-up that I would take an uber home the second I left that damn storage room where I yelled at Clay and he yelled at me... But I didn't go right to sleep as I arrived at my parents' house. I mean, I went to bed... but I just felt wide awake – staring at the ceiling. I don't know when I finally drifted into sleep and for that I have no clue how many hours of sleep I actually got.

It feels like I haven't gotten any.

I finally move – the heavy blanket being the first sound I hear... besides the screaming which is playing on and on and on in my head. But I get to sit up in my bed, brushing my hair out of my face.

I decide something.

This is just a setback. I won't let one thing determine my whole freaking weekend here at home. Whatever... whatever this was yesterday – Clay acting out because of literally nothing and then yelling at me without any reason – yeah, it weirded me out. But I won't let this feeling conquer me.

I really want to tell that to myself.

In fact..., I grab my phone from the nightstand (yeah, I was right it is already eleven thirty in the morning...) and see two new messages.

For a second, my heart makes a jump. I don't know if I would want a message from Clay. On the one hand he might be apologizing, on the other hand... I don't know if I want to just simply forgive him like that. He never yelled at me like that.

He never yelled at me ever before.

But the messages aren't from him anyway.

They're from Kara.

'hey'

'you wanna go for a walk later?'

I sigh, feeling relief coming over me.

Yes – a walk with her is exactly what I would need right now. Distracting myself actually just sounds fabulous.

I eagerly text her back and then force myself out of the bed.

I mean, it's still a nice day, right?

I park the car at the exact spot I parked when we went here last time.