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chapter forty-four

I slept. I haven't slept long, but at least I slept.

I don't know how I made it to my bed. And I also don't know how I managed to avoid my family this morning.

I have showered, but it doesn't seem like it helped with anything – it didn't wash away any of these thoughts that scream in my head.

The thoughts that I ignored for too long.

But the thoughts that must be kept quiet.

But they can't – that's the problem. These thoughts – that I really can't and don't want to deal with – they can't be kept quiet.

At least not here.

That's why I need to-

A knock on the door of my room lets me spin around. It doesn't open. It waits for a response.

I inhale as I stare at the door – I'm not in any mood to talk to my mother... or worse, my dad. Whatever it is, I know I will scream at anyone at that point and then just burst out into tears. And I don't want that for either them nor me.

I exhale again, pressing my fingers into the palm of my hands as I answer. "Come in", I respond the door. I answer with that, because what else should I say?

I clear my throat from my raspy words after I said them.

But someone entirely different enters – someone entirely different than I expected.

"Kara", I exhale her name as my best friend enters into my childhood room, closing the door slowly behind her.

"I-", I start, but then don't say anything. I haven't seen her since... since she told me she slept with Clay.

I don't know how I should feel about the fact that she is here. I mean, it seemed like I calmed down for a second as I saw that familiar face that never intended to hurt me, but...

I know that I thought about telling her everything... I called her, wanting to break the promise I gave to Clay after he hurt me so much. But then... she didn't have time. And then Clay came to tell me he loved me. Which changed so much... Too much to ever tell her.

I know I can't tell her that – that Clay told me he loves me. Because I can't say it out loud..., but also because I am scared of what her opinion to that will be.

But I guess it won't be about me anyway. I see Kara's face – shaken up.

My lips part a bit as I watch her standing just right beside the door with that scared look on her.

I want to start again, want to ask her what this is about. If it is about Jax, if it is about her family – anything. It means I have to set aside my problems... no, it means I can set them aside.

But that isn't on my mind really. I just see this shaken up expression on Kara's face... and that's the only thing I care about. Because I don't want to see her like that. I wouldn't ever want a friend of mine to feel hurt.

Even if I did hurt one myself just yesterday.

But Kara goes first anyway. "Hey", she starts slowly.

There is a little pinch in my heart. I didn't know her voice would have this effect on me, but... knowing that Clay fucked her, in order to make me jealous...

I know, I didn't want to think about me any longer! But... no, she is my best friend. And she didn't know. That's the point... so why the fuck do I want to avoid her eyes?

Kara didn't know about any of this. And I know that if she knew about what she would have gotten herself into, she would have never done this to me. She didn't know anything about what she did was about me. She didn't know anything.