Scraps (Scomiche)

Shadow

A/N: Bad mood writing, feel free the skip.

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There are days.

You don't know why they happen, or what's the trigger that makes your mood shift, but sometimes they make an appearance. You wake up and nothing has changed, nothing is different from when you closed your eyes the previous night. You went to sleep feeling perfectly normal and fine, but as morning creeps in, you open your eyes and the world has a grey shadow in it.

Everything is blurred and without color, and you feel drained from all energy.

You stare at the ceiling for a while, wondering what was it this time, what made you wake up feeling like nothing matters. Was it a dream? Was it a subconscious thought making its way in your mind while you weren't aware of it? Was it a memory?What is it that makes everything lose brightness?

You stare and stare, observing every single detail of the ceiling. You stay still but even breathing feels so hard. Something so natural as keeping your body alive feels so tiring. You stand up, knowing that you have to start your day, but your whole being feels heavy. Why are your legs so spent? Why is your body so worn out? Why does your head feel like it weights too much?

You look at yourself in the mirror, searching the cause for this sudden distress, but the face staring back at you it's the one you've been used to for the past years of your life. You look and look, moving your hands in front of you just to convince yourself that yes, this is you, this is your body and you are making these movements.

It doesn't feel like it.

You hear the sound of your phone beeping on your nightstand, and even reaching for the small device feels like a burden. You wish that your being would lit up like phone screen, that you could absorb the light coming from it, instead of feeling like there's a dark aura surrounding you, separating yourself from the whole world.

A sigh leaves your mouth, but why? Why are you sighing? What's wrong baby boy? There's nothing different in this day, nothing that should make you feel like this. Where is this sadness coming from?

There is a name on the screen, followed by words. You feel yourself smiling lightly at Scott's text, but it's short lived. The tug on your lips quickly disappear as they move back to a thin line, and you wish you had enough energy to make them raise again, because for that brief moment you felt better.

Why is it so hard to feel alive, today?

You move towards the glass door leading to the balcony, attracted by the warmth coming that way. You close your eyes, wishing that when you'll open them again the grey shadow will be gone, letting the light wash over you. Maybe the sun will help dissipate the cold in your veins, and seeing the colors of the city will let you realize there's still life outside.

You open them, your heart full of hope, hope that it's just a passing feeling, maybe the remnants of a nightmare you can't remember. You open your eyes and your heart falls, the small hope crushed once again.

The nightmare is still going on and you don't know how to wake up.

Your eyes water and your throat starts closing up, and you wish you could stop the tears that are streaming on your face, but you can't. They draw lines on your sunkissed face, running on your cheeks until they reach your neck, then taking a leap into the void, falling on the ground. Every drop slamming on the floor seems to echo in your ears, the imaginary sound hitting you hard. The salty wetness on your lips tastes like numbness.

Why are you crying, Mitch?

The sun is out, the birds are singing, the city is full of life. Why is your heart clenched in your chest? Why there's no air in your lungs? Why are you sitting on the ground with your arms crossed on your knees, your head hung between them, trying to remember how to breathe?

Nothing is wrong. You're alive, and surrounded by positive things.  You could just press a button and you know there will be your best friend knocking on your door, demanding to let him in, ready to take you in his arms, whispering soothing words in your ear. Ready to wipe the tears away.

Why are you not calling him?

Your life is good, do you remember it? You have friends, you have a job, and everyone you care about is happy. Then why are you not happy?

Breathe baby boy, just breathe. It's a day, and nothing more. Let your eyes release the sadness build up inside of you, inhale deeply and then raise your head to face the world. Force a smile on your lips, a bright edge in your eyes.

Just pretend for a while to embrace the shadow following you. Pretend that everything is fine so no one will think differently, and maybe you'll fool yourself too.

You wipe away the tears from your face, and for a moment it works, feeling like you can breathe again. But it doesn't last for long, and you wonder What's the point?