Between Heaven and Hell (PA #2)

Chapter Forty-Eight

Romeo (Lust)

"Ari, I don't have time for this," I gripe.

Willow's going to be at her dorm in less than thirty minutes, and I need to finish setting up in the kitchens. She's on a run with Ragnar, something they do every night after dinner. I'd join them, but Ragnar 'accidentally' broke my foot the one and only time I tried.

Plus, I hate running. I'd much rather work out in a different way if you get what I mean.

Sex.

I'm talking about sex.

That thing I haven't had in over six months, besides the night of Willow's birthday. Which counts but also doesn't count, since I got off but no one actually went near my dick. I wouldn't trade it for anything, though. It's still better than any other sexual experience I've had.

"There's always time, brother."

His words and overall presence are a cold shower on my rising arousal. Unless Willow's between us, being around Ari–and any of my other siblings–is an instant turn-off.

He followed me into the kitchens, content to sit on a counter and watch as I scramble around trying to find flour and eggs and whatever else one would need to bake a cake.

"I have twenty-three minutes before they get back." Ragnar is a freak about his routine. They'll return at nine o'clock, on the dot, without fail. "What can we possibly accomplish in that amount of time?"

The back of Ari's head makes a dull thud as it hits the cabinet. "You need better control."

"I'm well aware of that."

Being aware of the issue is one thing, but the real problem is that I don't know how to solve it. When I went through puberty as a teenager, I was ill-prepared for my Sin to manifest itself. It's been a continual struggle ever since then.

My brain always reverts back to sex, like it's the default setting. No matter what I'm doing, where I'm at, who I'm with, thoughts of sex creep in. If I only had to deal with my own desires that would be one thing, but I'm constantly bombarded with the desires of others as well. It's a positive feedback loop–their lust sparks my own, which in turn raises theirs, which heightens mine.

Again and again, until I feel like I'm going crazy. I used to be able to do something about it. To make their fantasies come true to satisfy my own ends. But I've been celibate and fighting my urges so much that I've ground down several sets of teeth with the force of my jaw clenching.

"Your Sin is Lust–"

"Gee, thanks, bro. I had no idea."

Several seconds pass in silence as Ari's hooded eyes complete the slowest blink in the history of the universes.

"Sorry," I apologize, feeling properly chastised without him having to say anything.

"It's all about desire," he continues. "But desire doesn't have to be sexual. Anne desires food, Gwen desires attention, and I desire sleep. Sleep and Willow, but I digress. If you can tap into non-sexual desires, you might be able to satisfy your Lust enough to control it instead of it controlling you."

"Don't you think I've tried that? You're not the first person to bring up the idea. Lizzie used to say the same thing when we were back in Hell, and I haven't had any more luck with it now than I did then."

In every case, I ultimately run into the same issue. I can't dig past a person's sexual desire long enough to see any non-sexual ones. My hindbrain takes over and I either have to fuck or flee. It's my body's version of a survival instinct.