The White Shadow

30. The Shadow has Turned Gray

"It will be the end of you," said Roxanne.

"And so many other lives." Firmin couldn't believe it. "It will be war. They may kill her in the end, but not without dire cost on their own side. There has to be a way out of this." Why hadn't Reina ever come to him in his moments of despair? And in her own dire situation. He needed to talk with her. Surely she could find a way in.

Firmin groaned, putting his face into his hands. Thanks to the soaps Roxanne brought, his skin smelled of flowers rather than filth and sweat. But the situation reeked terribly, nevertheless. "There has to be a way, of peace."

Roxanne shook her head. "There's no way out, Firmin. You left us no other choice."

"I tried," said Firmin. "I never gave up hope that maybe someday, I could somehow forge a way, to make things work. Believe it or not, the little grove beyond the walls now thrives wildly because of her. Reina. I wanted her fluorescent life to be a part of this world. As a blessing."

He looked up to see what Roxanne might be thinking. But it was rare that he could read her thoughts these days, her features covered by a cold and uncaring expression Firmin doubted could be true. It was sad to think that all this time, they could have been living a better life, that if he'd somehow found a way, those lines on Roxanne's face could be from joyous smiles rather than stress.

Still, she stood there. Like a mere wall, perhaps, but listening. And so, looking back at his hands, he continued speaking, "I thought I could change her, change the way people saw her. I realized I couldn't change anyone. So I thought I could prevent innocent blood from being shed, including Reina's. I thought I could justify—I thought I could decide who she kills. Who deserves death. But none of it was enough. I am done trying."

He met Roxanne's gaze. Finally, she was looking at him. Tears merged into her eyes. "And so, this plan must commence then."

Firmin knew that this plan she and Carson had devised wasn't going to work. Not without many people dying first. He doubted they would ever get to Reina. And then he realized that Roxanne didn't believe they would succeed either. "You and Carson set this entire plan into motion, but I can see in your eyes—you think they will fail."

She said nothing, the flicker in her eyes confirming his suspicions.

Firmin swallowed. "You didn't go through with this to actually kill the shadow, you know they will never get close before she does. No, you did this to pressure me into doing what only I can do. To guilt me into saving hundreds of lives."

He read this in the way her eyes moved, in the begging lines on her brow, the quivering line of her mouth.

She glared at him bitterly. "Can't make someone care that already has blood on his hands, I suppose. I should have known you can't break a man already broken."

Firmin watched her turn. "You're right. There's only one way out of this, Roxanne. She always told me that there was nothing but life and death, and a fight for it. That I could not make a peaceful solution work. You and I both know this must end. And that only I can end it."

She stopped, hand lingering on the door. She didn't turn to face him.

"I'm the only one that can get her to that state of weakness. I'm the only one that could ever get close enough." His voice cracked and he stopped to take a sharp breath, before tears might brim. "You came here to see if you could convince me. To do what must be done. Maybe . . . maybe you weren't wrong. About this situation. About me."

-----------------------------

A dagger in his hand. Coated with a thick layer of black shadow. A cloak keeping him from being seen.