Don't Talk! (Freddie Mercury / Queen)

10. Blind As A Badger

H.G

At the start of most interviews, we are made to jot down a few physical descriptors of the musicians so that we may work it into the introduction of the article.

Naturally, I always found it to be a stupid exercise.

There will be a photo of the celebrity to complement the piece so that the readers can bloody see for themselves who I'm interviewing. Chances are that if you're reading an interview regarding a certain celebrity, you know exactly what they look like. I don't see why I should have to be the one to tell them 'they have a million dollar smile' or some rubbish like that.

Yes, I struggle with compliments, this has been established.

As Freddie chattered on about the new funk sound for Hot Space, I looked at my blank legal pad. Of course the interview was being recorded so I didn't have to worry too much about not taking everything down, and I had a fairly perfect memory when I put my mind to it in any case. Instead, my thoughts were wasted trying to figure out what to say about Freddie's appearance. He is a man... with a moustache... under his nose, and above his lip.

Usually, I had Alex add his flair to things like this. That arrangement came about after I interviewed Mick Jagger and I said simply that he looked like pouting fish. Alex quickly got to that description and changed it. From thereafter, I let him do that stupid little sentence or two for the articles that required it.

Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of consulting Alex right now. Maybe I can look at what David said when he wrote an article about seeing Queen in South America.

I glanced up at Freddie, who was still trying to defend Hot Space. He had a rather gentle and eloquent way of speaking, something I hadn't really noticed before. Most likely because we were always in a constant state of bickering. He was easy to listen to, which always helped make my job more bearable.

So far this interview was the least professional piece of work I had ever done. I'm sure you'll be shocked to hear such a thing.

Freddie first insisted we move the chairs over towards the large window, so that he didn't feel like he was at a job interview. I said I liked my desk. He said I was using the desk to provide myself with a sense of power in an effort to overcompensate for my lack lack of a sizeable appendage. He didn't use the word appendage. I ended up moving the chairs. He proceeded to tut, "That just confirms it."

I of course was unused to such humour, so I didn't give him a satisfactory reaction. Instead, I commented that 'Staying Power' was an anthem for overcompensation and here we are.

"Alright," I cut in, "This isn't a Hot Space fluff piece. Let's talk about something more interesting."

Freddie was on the funk defence. I just let him speak until it was all out of his system. Now, the subject needs to be changed, and quickly. There's only so many times I can listen to musicians say "we wanted to try something entirely different from what our fans like, and were then shocked when they proceeded to hate the new sound".

"I'm sorry, was I boring you?" Freddie asked dryly.

"Never." I chuckled, "I'm just sure there are other things you would prefer to speak about."

"Like what?"

"You tell me," I leant back in my chair, "If I were to ask you about your approaching ten year anniversary with the band, would that be alright? Or something that would bore you to tears?"

Freddie considered me for a moment, "How about you just ask me what you like, and I can tell you to fuck off if I'm not happy about a question?"

So crude. "Whatever you want."