You Try (Even when the world doesn't want you to|| WayV Lucas Angst

Dissociation and arrythmia- a normal day in Xuxi's life pt.2

NOTES: 

HEEYYOOOO

So...I've no idea what's wrong with me. I've had this part written for about 3 weeks but I was trying to, y'know, finish the chapter....and I can't. I have no idea how to piece together the Baekhyun interaction so this is now a 3 part chapter. And this is super short aahbcjhcsh it's mere 1500 words for you  I AM SO SORRYYYY :(

Anyway...enjoy!!!

Kunhang doesn't know when everything started going downhill. Maybe it was when Xuxi's eyes started to linger on his hips, on his collar bone and his ribs. When he stopped walking shirtless around the house and replaced his nudity with hoodies that were five times too big for him.

Perhaps it was when his cries started keeping them up at night. When his mind started drifting to places no one could reach. Or maybe it was all already lost when they started noticing these things. These little, tiny things that no one thought much of.

"He'll get better"- he had said to himself after a month of lingering eyes and covered flesh.

A month became four, four became six, six became eight and then a year...and then they almost lost Xuxi. To his own hands.

When Kunhang had still lived at home, he had seen the news after news of high-school kids that jumped off buildings and bridges because Chinese high school was just too hard. He had hurt for those, spilt a tear or two...and then kept scrolling to the next post.

But then the kid jumping off bridges was their Xuxi and he couldn't scroll past the post anymore.

Their Xuxi the one who whispered in the most broken, pained tone "I can't do this anymore gege".

(He hasn't called them 'gege' since that day- Kunhang notices as an afterthought.)

It was their Xuxi the one that had painted the ground beneath him red with his blood. It was his wrist the one Kunhang had applied pressure on, in the futile hopes of "Please come back Xuxi".

And so Xuxi wasn't a post he could scroll by, he wasn't even sure he could scroll without the fear of Xuxi disappearing. He kept his eyes glued to the taller boy, his hands clasped in his because if he let go, Xuxi could leave again.

And now Xuxi's gone. Not in the bleeding way, not in the forever way...at least that's what Kunhang was trying to convince himself of.

Gone nonetheless. There was a call to Kun's phone that he didn't answer and the blaming is back in full force, and as he runs through the streets of Seoul, he realises an interesting fact.

He's angry. Angrier than he's felt in months.

Not at Xuxi, never at Xuxi. Because he's seen the faraway look he gets in his eyes sometimes. When calling his name becomes futile and all he can do is sit by his side, and wait until Xuxi comes back from whatever world he's lost in.

So Kunhang's angry. Angry in the same way he blames.

He's angry and the haters and the fans, because while one dealt the damage the others didn't do anything to protect Xuxi, and Kunhang knows they could. They just didn't try.

He's angry at the members because they didn't notice. Because they didn't notice and when they did, they didn't do anything.

He's angry at himself because he didn't notice. He didn't try harder, and he should've tried harder. He noticed and he didn't do anything. Kunhang failed Xuxi.