ramblings of a blurry-eyed girl

driftwood

i think it is weird
that even though i have people
that love me
that like me
that tolerate me
that need me
yet, my selfishness lets me believe that i am alone
that although i am needed
- in some spaces -
i am never wanted
people go to me because i am there
because i am nice enough
because i am funny enough
because, through all my flaws and imperfections,
i am not a heartless jerk
does that mean i am good?
no
it means that,
as a person,
i am truly neutral.
i have friends in school
and the kids i babysit like me
but
i will never be someone's first thought
i will be an afterthought
when they look back on something,
they'll be like,
oh - that's what's-her-face!
she was the one that gave us slim-jims in 9th grade
or
she was that annoying ass girl who always laughed too loud
or
she was the one that always had to fill silences
because i find them awkward -
even when they are not
maybe it is because i am the cause of them
and not in the way that is comfortable
and we know each other so well that there is nothing else to talk about
but its the type of silence where you finally run out of small talk
because "how was your day?"
and
"oh yeah, the test was hard, i'll send you the answers."
only goes so far
when people finally get too tired to fake-talk to me
thats when i remember my true worth.
i am driftwood
once from a tree
(hopefully one of importance and great things)
but is has been so long,
that i no longer remember what it feels like to be content
to be apart of something bigger
than a million awkward
meaningless
conversations
(can they even be called that? if they consist of the same questions?)
driftwood never gets picked up
and if it does
it gets thrown in the
landfill
(where you are part of something bigger - i guess - but does it really count if all the other pieces of driftwood are so tired of asking peoples names?)