Shutter Speed

Day 373

"I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this. Like every inch of me is bruised." - Jack's Mannequin, "Bruised"

Day 373

Ellie probably would have gone the rest of her life without telling me that she knew our ending if she could've pulled it off. She would've kept up the ruse if she believed she'd get away with it. I don't know what changed her mind. I'll never know the moment when she realized she'd have to tell me everything. I'll never not wish that moment had been sooner, but I'm glad it came eventually.

My tour was wrapped up, and all we had left to do was say goodbye. Ellie was aware of my love for her at that point. I had been brutally honest with how much she meant to me. I had become so transparent with her I'm surprised I didn't turn invisible.

As if dropping her off back home wasn't nerve wracking enough, Ellie had been acting strange the entire day. She clearly had something on her mind and it's silly now to think my biggest concern was that she was going to break up with me.

Hindsight provides an amount of clarity and insight that can drive people mad. There's so much I would have done differently if I had just known. I have spent countless hours and sleepless nights running what if scenarios through my mind. All I've done is waste my present analyzing my past. I can't change the fact that Ellie took so long to tell me. What I can do is be thankful she told me at all. I spent so long being furious with her, I don't think I ever stopped to appreciate her perspective of the situation. Ellie was a good person - the best person - and all she wanted to do was protect me. I know that now, but I had no idea back then.

Anne wasn't home when I dropped Ellie off. Ellie asked for the privacy even after not seeing her mom for months. She needed time alone to talk to me. She kept her distance, and I knew something was wrong. I knew something big was on her mind, but I didn't dare ask what. I feared the what ifs even in those moments.

"Jensen." Hearing her voice so weak was never a good sign. "There's something I've been wanting to talk to you about."

I stepped closer to her, ready to plead my case for her not to leave me. She didn't move at first. That wasn't a bad sign. It wasn't a particularly good sign, but it wasn't a bad sign either. She shook her head, sighing and gathering the courage to speak. She escorted me to the couch and sat me down beside her. I know it was one of the hardest conversations she ever had, and that's why it took her so long to get it out.

I cried. I cried before she even said anything. I started tearing up the moment we sat beside each other because I expected the worst. She chuckled at me, wiping the tears from my cheeks as her hazel eyes began to well up in return.

"I haven't even said anything. How are you already crying?" She chuckled lightly, placing her hands in mine.

"Ellie, I love you," I choked. "Not just enough. I love you more than you can imagine. I love you more than I could ever tell you. I-"

"Jensen," she couldn't hold back the tears much longer, "I'm not breaking up with you."

We laughed together. We laughed through the waterworks, sniffling in between giggles. We laughed so hard we cried more. We laughed at ourselves and we laughed at each other.

I managed to calm myself enough to ask, "If you're not breaking up with me, then what's wrong?"

"Jensen, I want you to know that there is no easy way to say this." Ellie's face twisted. She paled with a seriousness I had never seen before. "In fact," she cleared her throat, "there's no right way to say it. Believe me, I looked it up."

"It feels like you're coming out to me. You're not straight, are you?"

"Jensen!" She scolded me with a laugh.