Shutter Speed

Day 162

"How can I stand here and not be moved by you? Could you tell me how could it be any better than this?" – Lifehouse, "Everything"

Day 162

The worst part about having addictive tendencies? When you become addicted to a single person. Drugs and alcohol are material things. They're attainable. They're substance. They'll always be there. They can't fight back. But a person? A person leaves. A person hurts you. A person can move on and leave you addicted and drive you insane. I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be to be addicted to a substance, and I never want to attribute my addictive tendencies to that. But it's still not easy. I can't compare because I simply do not know, but I can say that being addicted to her was always too painful for me to bear.

The way I've always reacted to different interests can be alarming to others. I become obsessive and infatuated and spend all my energy focused on whatever I'm addicted to in that moment. For four years, it was Ellie. It still is Ellie.

That makes it sound like I'm a stalker, but it's not like that. When she leaves, I give her her space. I don't follow her anywhere or ask people to update me on her. I just go through some form of withdrawal when she's not around. Whenever something happens, big or small, she's the first person I want to call. For a while, I resisted the urge to contact her most times because I was afraid she didn't want anything to do with me.

Ellie agreed to go on tour with me eventually. It took a lot of convincing, but she finally agreed. A couple months into the tour, we had a break to go to a Halloween party at my brother's. Kaiden was always a fan of big extravagant events. He loved an excuse to bring people together. Ellie was the opposite.

Ellie preferred staying home and binge watching classics on Halloween night.

"Ellie," I pouted, standing in the doorway of my guest room – her room.

"What?" She pouted back, mocking me.

"How much do you love me?"

She shrugged, "Enough." She teased. I smiled innocently, not knowing the weight of that word in the moment. I suppose it hadn't gained traction yet. That was the first time I ever heard her say it – the first time I ever asked – but it was far from the last.

She agreed to go to the party that night. I felt guilty as if I were forcing her into a situation she was uncomfortable with. There's a more than likely chance that I was just projecting. Ellie was an enigma. In a world where everyone has access to a Myers-Briggs test and separates themselves into extroverts and introverts, Ellie was an ambivert. She rode a thin gray line in a world of black and white.

Ellie preferred to be in small, comfortable social interactions, but if thrown into something like that Halloween party, she still managed to thrive. I stared at her all night. Even when I was whisked across the room, I still couldn't manage to take my eyes off of her. The world became white noise as I channeled all my energy just to hear her laugh. I didn't feel the grin pull at my lips until Kaiden found me and teased me.

I watched actors, musicians, and influencers of all kinds speak to Ellie that night, but one in particular made my blood boil. That could've been the exact moment I caught my addiction in action. Every conversation I had, I desperately want to end just so I could be near her again. When a hotshot model turned actor turned on her charm while speaking to Ellie, something in me began to burn. I've never been jealous in my life. Jealously was an emotion I had the fortune of never feeling. Until I met Ellie.

I wasn't angry with her speaking to someone else, I was in pain. I craved being the one to make her happy and as I watched someone else make her laugh, I felt a part of myself disappear. I sank into silence and found myself having to repeat reminders over and over again in my head.