Shutter Speed

Day 2

"If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die." ~Unknown

Day 2

I was anxious the entire day, waiting for her. There was no way of knowing what Ellie's decision was until the show started. There was no way of knowing if I was going to see her again until I actually saw her. I went through my sound check, a meet and greet, and a special acoustic set for fans with VIP passes before the doors even opened and the entire time I was thinking about her. I think everyone could feel it that day. I was nervous but excited. I was sad but hopeful. I was everything all at once.

Once my first opening act was getting ready to play their set, I began to feel worried. I hadn't seen Ellie and no one had tried to get my attention to tell me that someone was looking for me. I wrung my hands, bouncing anxiously on my heels as I wished the band a good show and watched from backstage.

"You know this isn't exactly what I'd qualify as a 'small' concert like you made it out to be." Ellie's voice startled me like it had the day before and I jumped, nearly screaming. She chuckled as I a gathered myself and attempted to make my way to her. My heart leapt at the sight of her. I didn't know what I was feeling at the time. I wish I had known from the start. I wish I had loved her every second I could. Then again, maybe I always was. Even when I didn't know it.

After I regained my composure, I finally noticed someone standing next to her. I had left two tickets for Ellie, thinking that she would be more comfortable if she brought a friend with her. "This is Logan. Logan, this is Jensen." My heart dropped as my eyes connected with Logan's.

One of the biggest struggles I've experienced due to my sexuality isn't figuring out if a girl I'm interested in is also gay, it's figuring out if the girl she's with is a friend or something more. I attempted to decipher what Logan Spencer was for too long. Thinking about it now, it's silly of me to think Logan was anything more to Ellie than just a friend, but at the time I convinced myself Logan was in love with her. After a short conversation filled with plenty of awkward pauses, I suggested we go somewhere slightly quieter to have an actual conversation.

I escorted them to my dressing room so we could actually speak in private. I couldn't stop staring at Ellie and ended up shoulder checking a solid wall. My face reddened with humiliation, but she just smiled at me and reassured me I had nothing to be embarrassed of. She smiled at me again, saying, "I mean it's kind of nice that you're a klutz. It's reassuring to know that celebrities – even one of the most popular musicians – are just like everyone else."

My face dropped and Kaiden's voice echoed in my head. Had he been right with his suspicions? "Did you know?" I attempted to keep my composure, but I'm almost positive she could see the disappointment on my face.

Ellie shrugged admittedly, "I didn't want you to think that I had ulterior motives by knowing who you were. I just really enjoyed talking to you." She must've felt like she had ruined whatever we had between us because her face dropped following my words.

Logan must've felt as uncomfortable about the topic as I was because she instantly changed the subject. "Your stage is interesting."

Ellie agreed, adding, "It's your logo right? The J and P together?"

I nodded. "That and I also wanted to be able to interact with as many people in the audience as possible and it allows me to do so. I mean I wouldn't be anything without them. Why would I ever want to treat them like they're anything less?" The fact she referred to the specific shape as my logo meant she recognized it as more than just my initials. She really did know who I was when we met, but it wasn't like Kaiden had warned me about. She didn't care about the fame. She cared about me. I still overthought everything though. We were both terrified, and she had no clue that I was devising a plan in order to stay in her life forever. I overthought every word, every gesture, and every tiny movement Ellie ever made in an attempt to read her mind. I never succeeded.

"Do you want something to drink?" Logan politely declined, but Ellie accepted my offer and gladly took a can of lemonade from the small fridge in the room. We sat in the room talking throughout the first band's set and even into the second's. As Ellie finished her drink, I noticed her pull the tab off of the can. At the time, it didn't fully register to me what she was doing. I didn't question it because I had no reason to.

Having Ellie backstage with me filled me with so many emotions that I didn't know how to properly express any of them. I was so nervous I thanked her for coming to the concert about seventeen different times. Once my set was about to start, Ellie and Logan found their ways to the pit right in front of the stage. Usually during concerts I try to make eye contact with as many people as possible, but that night the only person I paid attention to was her. I couldn't stop smiling at her whenever I'd get close enough and make eye contact. It took a conscious effort to play to the whole crowd.

There are videos that exist somewhere out there of that night - of that performance – and of me singing to Ellie for the first time ever. I wonder if that wasn't just the start of my affection for her. I wonder if there were fans with theories on who she was. If there were entire forums and Twitter threads of attempts at finding her and discovering what she meant to me. Sure, those things eventually happened – it's impossible to stay out of the public eye – but I wonder if that night sparked it. If that was the beginning of the end. Not just for me, but for everyone.

After the concert was over, the lights came up, and the crowd left, Ellie came backstage with Logan to say goodbye to me, and I practically begged her not to go. Ellie played with the thought while looking at Logan as if she were asking her permission. Logan hesitantly suggested that they needed to get back home, and watching Ellie leave physically hurt me. Watching her leave never got any easier. Ever.

I wonder if she thought that leaving that night meant she wouldn't see me again. I wonder if she thought that night was the end. I know I did. I had no idea that it was only the beginning.

I've had a lot of people ask me why of all people I chose her. The question was never meant to be malicious towards Ellie. I don't think anyone ever disapproved of us. Some assumed that it was her appearance. Some thought I owed something to her. Everyone always had their beliefs and reasons as to why it was it was her. But I never chose her. She was the one that chose me. And there was never one big thing that brashly convinced me not to go. It was a million little things that silently asked me to stay.

After those first two days, Ellie became my muse. She became the reason behind everything. She was the inspiration. The purpose. It's interesting to me because fans will always attribute their own meanings to songs no matter what or who the artist intended the song to be about. I've heard a million and one stories about what my music means to the people who listen, and I love listening to every single one, but none of them will ever feel exactly what I feel writing or preforming. None of them will ever understand just how much Ellie mattered. And that's okay. She didn't need to matter to them – all that matters is that she meant something to me. Something extraordinary. 

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Chapter song: "Arms Open" (Wired Strings) by The Script

Anyone reading this who recognized Logan from Bleeding Color? ;)

Until next time,
Aiden (: