Saving Me (ongoing)

Volume 1

Celeste POV:

I thought we would last forever. I laugh at myself for thinking such a blessed thing would happen to me, I laugh at myself for thinking I could be happy. Happiness is such a astonishing thing yet so cruel when you don't have it. I want to scream at myself every day for being so foolish, I want to kill my thoughts for thinking such a thing yet, there is still a feeling in me that think it's possible. I want there to be a chance for me but i'm not that fortunate.

When writing feelings it truly effects how I feel. For me writing is telling yourself the truth without saying a single word.

Dear diary, i though she was the one but i was wrong:(. she walked away when i needed her the most. i just wanted to be confronted with love but instead i face loss. my heart suffers every day. sleeping helps but then i wake up and face reality and it's a endless cycle that won't end. I WANT TO SCREAM AT HER.

Wondering if i'll ever feel like me again is a mystery. It's been almost a year and the ache in my heart won't stop. I want to be free of feelings yet, I want to be able to love myself again. I'm so confused it hurts even more.

My mom checks on me from time to time. It helps knowing she's here. As I hear a knock on the door I know she's here seeing as she's the only one who comes by. I open the door and she immediately walks in with full grocery bags. She brought me groceries. Mom has been very supportive but I know she wants me to do something else with myself. As she starts putting groceries away I can see she's on the phone. She's smiling. I love when my mom smiles, it lights up the room and makes a smile appear on your face even if you have nothing to smile for. When mom gets off the phone she instantly starts talking to me. "Celeste baby I have great news" she says as she puts food into its correct spaces. " Clara is coming back with her mom!" she says happily. Clara is a sweet girl, We we're the bestest of friends but she moved away when we were 13 so we stopped talking, haven't seen her since. surprisingly this news made me the tinniest of happy which made my feel so moved seeing as I haven't felt happy in a very long time. "When are they coming and are you giving them a proper welcome home?" My mom looks at me like I have two heads. " of course sweetie I thought you knew me better" she says in a sarcastic tone while holding her chest playfully.

My mom left, the house is quiet. As I was zoning out at my attempt to watch tv, the microwave timer goes off signaling that the tv dinner was ready. After eating I just sit and stare at my window, it has the most gorgeous view, realizing I'm zoning out at the scenic view I make my way back to my room, as I make my way to my bed I lay down and pull my black blanket against me . when I got under the blanket I rested my shoulders and let out a deep shaky breath. As all of my emotions came back flooding my mind and body I let out a single tear one after another. As I was crying slowly my mind flooded with the thought of her and I broke. I broke into a million pieces until I couldn't bear holding it back. I let out a million sobs at a time. I couldn't see clearly as tears of pain filled my eyes. I let out a shaky scream as I sobbed more. my heart crushing at every moment. the feeling of hurt overwhelming my heart to a point where I can barely breath. As I cry loudly while taking as much breaths my body will let me. I want it to stop. I want the pain to stop. minutes go past as I try to calm myself down. my breathing evens out but there are still little tears coming out. I think about my moms smile I feel the tears start to go away slowly. my exhausted body and mind makes me sleepy. I turn over and feel my eyes get heavy. I doze off and greet the darkness of my mind and I feel nothing.

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I wake up to my alarm blaring it's sound. Realizing it's time to get my day started, I don't.

Depression.

It makes everything important not so important, makes you feel miserable, unlovable, lonely and so many other things. People with depression don't want to feel this way but it's not a choice. It's like your brain telling you to just shut down and you have no other option but to do as it says. There's always this thought in the back of my head telling me to get up, go for a walk, eat, brush my teeth, get in the shower but the thought of getting up is so unbearable. I feel as if I've gotten comfortable with my depression, way to comfortable. I have gotten used to being depressed and that feeling of being comfortable sometimes makes me not want to get out of this dark place.

I've gotten comfortable,way to comfortable.

Hours pass.

As I was dozing off I hear knocks at my door. I didn't plan anything with anyone today. I just wait for them to go away but sadly they never did. I got out of my bed and went to the door already about to tell the person to go away. Opening the door "Hi Celeste"

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The kitchen in media also thanks for reading🩷