Wolf & Coyote Mercenary Services [Looney Tunes AU]

Episode 2: The Toxicity of Acme City

The next morning, Ralph, groggy and sore, sits up and stretches. "In hindsight, I should have brought extra blankets to lie on," he grumbles as he stumbles to his feet. Looking back down at the floor, he notices that he is alone.

As he exits the room, he immediately smells the scent of brewing coffee and sizzling bacon. Concerns of the coyote going AWOL are quickly quashed when he sees him at the stove. "Morning, princess," says Wile E. with a smirk. "Did you sleep well?"

"Like a baby," Ralph lies in turn, barely able to restrain the pain in his aching muscles. On the table is a plate with two eggs and strips of bacon, laid out to create a smiley face.

He continues while setting his plate. "I didn't know how you liked your eggs, so I asked your roommate about it. Hopefully I got it right."

The wolf's ears perk up. "You met him already? How long have you been up?"

"Not long. He came and went before I could get a good look at him. Funny accent, that guy."

"I'm surprised you two get along so well. Pepé's usually wary about strangers in his apartment."

Right on cue, in walks a bespectacled skunk, who, upon seeing the two dogs, blinks in drowsy confusion, then proceeds to go pour himself a cup of joe. "Ralph, let me know next time you bring in one of your boyfriends."

Wile nearly chokes on his drink. "Woah, woah, woah! We are not dating!"

"Not yet," Pepé says with a smirk.

Ralph cuts in to correct him. "Pepé, this is my new business partner, Wile E. Coyote."

"Oh, so you're finally going your own way? It was a matter of time. So, what's it about?"

"Mercenary work."

Pepé raises a brow. "That is the stupidest idea I've heard come from your mouth." He takes a sip. "You're going to need my help."

***

In the surprisingly sizable apartment, the one room which Wile had not seen is locked behind the door adjacent to the bathroom. Pepé takes out a small key buried within his fluffy tail and unlocks it, then pushes it open for all to peer in through. The room is dimly lit, but Wile—being a creature with great night vision—can spot the table full of beakers and flasks, the glass-covered cabinet filled with a limited but still impressive array of bottled chemicals, the lamp-lit desk covered in written documents and blueprints, and the whiteboard with various scribblings and formulas. Inspecting the contents of the cabinet, he says, "Color me impressed. Ralph has good taste in roommates."

"I'm a perfumer by trade, but I can concoct anything your heart desires. Aphrodisiacs, sedatives, explosives, you name it. Consider yourselves lucky, I do not offer my special services to just anyone."

"We haven't even taken any jobs yet. Why are you doing this for us?"

"Benevolence, convenience, whatever you call it, I do this because I want to. Do my motives really matter in this case, Monsieur Coyote?" Wile side-eyes the skunk skeptically, but keeps quiet.

"We can discuss the details later," Ralph interjects. "First, we need clients, or a target to hit. The sooner we get moving, the better."

"No need to rush, mon ami. You will get your job, just leave it to me."

***

In the Acme City Police Station, Sam Sheepdog sits patiently at his desk, scouring over the details of the most recent case. A scuffle at the ¡Arri-Bar! led to the deaths of three thugs. The owner and manager of the bar, Speedy Gonzales, gave his testimony and even a wallet belonging to one of the victims. What doesn't feel right, however, is the deliberate omission of an important detail: the whereabouts of his co-worker, Ralph. To Sam, the answer is obvious, yet Mr. Gonzales chose not to make it such.

One of his officers, Porky Pig, approaches the desk, stammering while he gives his report. "Depu-dippity-dep-dep-depiddy... Mr. Sheepdog, sir! We've looked through the logs of all the employees' shifts. The last one who was present during the ¡Arri-Bar! incident was a Mr. Ralph Wolf. Wasn't he your old friend from the countryside?"

"Yeah, he was. Thanks for the report. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to make a call. You may go now."

As soon as Porky leaves the office, Sam takes out his smartphone and checks his call history. A missed call from Ralph, plus a message left in his inbox. He listens to the message, silently speculating the implications of his old friend's words. Then he makes his own response—also left in message form.

"Hello, Ralph? It's me, Sam. I heard about what happened at work. We're looking into the case as we speak, but you'll have to come into the station to give your part. About that business venture of yours... I dunno what you're thinking, but I'm going to warn you just this once. If you put this city's innocents in danger, I won't show you any mercy."