Tevun-Krus #100

5 - Smith & Jones - @CarolinaC - Episode SF

Smith & Jones

An episode by CarolinaC

A woman and two men lay on a rough, burgundy carpet. The tall, redhaired woman wearing knee-high boots was Kris. The man with fair hair, muttonchop whiskers, and diamond cufflinks was named Jones. The main with dark hair, a monocle, and a confused expression on his face was named Smith.

"Oh!" a voice said.

Kris opened her eyes to find herself face-to-face with an old friend- a sentient, orange circle with a space scene emblazoned in its middle and the word "Ooorah!" written on it. Unlike the last time she had met this odd creature, however, this time it was wearing a hat. The hat was a red-and-white-striped cardboard cone, like some humans would wear at a small child's birthday party. On the very top of the hat, at the tip of the cone, was a small sign. It read "100!"

"I'm glad you made it,' the Ooorah! avatar said. "You're just in time for the party."

"A party?" Jones asked hopefully, sitting up.

"Yes," The avatar said. It frowned slightly, if an avatar can be said to frown. "Don't you see the hat?"

By now our three heros were on their feet.

"Is there food?" Kris demanded. "Are there drinks?"

"Certainly," the avatar responded, as Kris began to look hopefully for a waiter, "But not yet."

Kris's face fell.

Smith, on the other hand, looked excited. "Is it a mission?" He asked.

"What? No, no," the avatar said affably. "It's your performance review."

Smith's mouth fell open; Kris and Jones exchanged worried expressions.

"Are you suggesting that we are employed by you?" Smith responded, shocked.

"Well you are, aren't you?" Said the Ooorah avatar.

"We are not!" said Jones. "If we work for you, where are our wages?"

"Yeah!" Kris agreed, "I've never gotten paid once!"

The avatar sighed. "Nevermind that. Let's start your review."

Suddenly, the party, with its noise and colour, was gone. Smith, Jones, and Kris were seated at a white plastic table, on white plastic chairs, in a room with a white floor, white walls, and a white ceiling. There was no door, and the light was bright.

The avatar stood before them.

"Now then," it said, "Let's review your missions since the last time we spoke."

Kris groaned.

The avatar ignored her. "We'll start with your visit to the meet the anthropomorphic ants. What do you think of your performance in that part of the multiverse?"

"We did awesome," Kris said, "We figured out their weird language and I got covered in goo and cheated out of my Christmas mead from Cyber Santa."

The avatar sighed again. "Your performance was, at best, mediocre. You insulted them and it took hours to clean the floor."

"It took hours to get the honey off my boots!" Kris retorted.

"Duly noted, Kris," Said the avatar. "Now then, Smith?"

Smith looked up nervously. "Y-yes?"

"Tell me how you think you did in cyberpunk?"

"Er, well, I say! It was Christmas, and Father Christ – I mean, Cyber Santa – gave me a lovely battenberg cake, and I ate some and I shared some, so I think that was all shipshape and Bristol fashion."

"I was not referring to your cake," the avatar said dryly. "I was referencing your use of your monocle and how long it took you to realise it was a web-ready smart monocle."

"Oh." Smith's response was flat and his voice hollow, "but we solved Cyber Santa's problem, and he was quite pleased!"

The avatar ignored him, having moved on to other matters. "Jones, what did you think of your performance on the planet with the climate change problem?"

Jones looked anxiously at Smith and Kris, then gulped. "I, erm, well, that is to say – mediocre?"

"Exactly!" The avatar responded. "Your translations were barely adequate! No wonder Kris thinks you're from Mars."

Kris snorted. "No, no, that's because of his name."

"Well," The avatar said decisively, "Your progress has been mediocre. I am going to have to put you into the remedial program."

"Remedial?!" Smith cried, "After all our hard work?"

The avatar looked at him very seriously. "All you wanted to talk about was cake. The Writers expect better than that! And for the most part, all three of you were repeatedly selfish. I cannot think of one grand gesture or sacrifice any one of you made to help someone or solve a problem."

"You can't?" Kris sounded incensed. "After I gave away my Christmas present, which was also my opportunity to go home, and would have allowed me to setup the subspace communications network that would make me a multi-ultra-billionaire? That wasn't a sacrifice?" She snarled.

The avatar took a set back. "Well -"

"Ask Cyber Santa! It was my present! Mine! And I gave it away!"

"Okay, okay, calm down," the Ooorah avatar said. "Cyber Santa is at the party. We'll ask him.

Instantaneously, they were back at the party. A chubby man dressed in shiny red pleather and wearing a sequinned hat smiled at them.

"Yo, yo, yo!" Cyber Santa said, "Nice to see you, and thanks again for helping get me back on the hypernet!"

"Excuse me, Cyber Santa?" the avatar asked.

Kris did not allow the avatar to ask anything further. She pushed the avatar aside and said, "Cyber Santa! Tell him about my present and how I gave it away! Tell him!"

"Yo, yo, yo, it's true!" Cyber Santa said, "I gave the present of being able to grow and become a better person."

"No, no, I mean the dying star!" Kris said, and slumped.

"Yes, yes, and you stepped right up!" Cyber Santa said.

Kris looked devastated, but the Ooorah avatar looked thoughtful. "Was it a selfless gesture?" the avatar asked.

"Yes, it was. Absolutely," Cyber Santa replied.

"Well." The Ooorah avatar said. "I suppose I can move your mark up to 'average'."

"Average?" Jones asked, "What does that mean?"

"Are we still in the remedial class?" Smith asked.

"You're still on the standard program. Only just." The avatar said. Then, if an avatar can be said to shrug, the Ooorah avatar shrugged. "Why don't you three go enjoy the party? There's – oh, about a hundred things to see or do! Just don't stay too late. I need you on the frontier in the morning. Enjoy!"

And Smith, Jones, and Kris joined the partygoers, enjoying their sense of relief. They still wondered about the fact that they'd never been paid, however.