OUT OF TOUCH

Chapter 19| Burning veggies

Chapter 19: Burning veggies

Christopher

Piano sounded across the huge church and beyond, doing nothing to elate my depression. A lot of people came to granny's funeral and I was shocked by the mass. Turns out, her warming personality extended to a lot of other church members and people from far and beyond. According to two elderly women seated behind me, a guest had arrived earlier today from LA just for her funeral.

The pews were filled up with men, women and children in black. That shit made it all more depressing. It was why I picked out a white hoodie and purple pants instead of the black suit Kelvin recommended from my wardrobe. And right now, I stood out very much.

Reverend whatshisname went on with his sermon with a corpse lying in a white coffin right behind him. I had no tears left. I had no tears left to spill seeing someone I knew so dearly be so immobile and lifeless in a carved death box.

After Tracy left without a word, I had been indifferent and just numb. Numb to any sort of feelings or rational thinking. I was left alone in the messy room, torturing myself to get used to the loneliness. It was tougher that I refused to admit to myself that I needed someone.

I knew why Tracy left. I understood her emotions when I went back to the room only to find it empty. I had used her. I used her to get my feelings out of the way and that wasn't fair. I just wanted to feel high and forget the pain but also forgot she wasn't some object without feelings. I shouldn't have used her like some roll of weed in exchange for short term happiness.

Nightfall came and I almost lost my fucking mind. Sleep wouldn't steal me from the realm of reality. Of all the times I could develop insomnia, this was the worst to choose from.

And then it came again. Gnawing and nagging thoughts. Questions like why didn't I go after Tracy. Why didn't I see granny often before she passed on. Why did I show Tracy that side of me. I shouldn't have smashed her phone up the wall. I shouldn't have let granny leave. I could have done something to prevent this. Why did she die. Was it because of me?

Despite the headache, I didn't get a fucking break from dark thoughts, anxiety, distress...

I stayed cooked up in a corner with my head downcast, shivering in fear despite the heat. I was too tired and weak to vent out anymore anger on precious furnitures and figurines in the room.

Only once or twice did Kelvin check up on me and when he got little response, he knew better than to push it. And neither his mom or dad or sister came close to the room door. They knew me so well. They knew me so well that it hurt. I made a promise to myself to never be known as this temperamental young lad again. Was I back to square one or getting square rooted?

My mind was as fogged into the obsidian as it could be. Limbo, the first circle of hell, was laudably brighter than my mind. I got myself conversant with heaven through the Bible but no one could blame me for having an interest in hell after reading the book of Revelations.

Since Tracy and granny and aunty Lydia and a bunch of others convinced me to take an interest in the biblical world which I agreed to because of Anna's state at that time, I had not decided on becoming a born again. So even though I couldn't be addressed as an atheist anymore, not that I completely believed there was a God up there somewhere, I never committed to the religion I planned on taking up. Never became a born again nor baptized or indulged myself.

Just like Tracy. When it comes to religion, she kept her belief but gave no fuck about religious guidelines. If I remembered correctly what she said at the church premises about four months back, she didn't believe there was a God. She said she infact knew that God existed.