The End of Fire and Ice

chapter 14: close to the sun

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."
ೃ⁀➷ Winnie the Pooh

┊ ➶ ｡˚ 　　°

Time.

It was a constant threat. A constant promise. A constant tick.

The time of day was shoved down our throats at every corner and the day of the month pasted on every wall.

They said the watches we wore were to help us keep time.

Bullshit.

We didn't keep time. Time kept us.

Today marked the end of October. Our ender deadline was fast approaching and, with only seven months left, I was growing more stressed with every fleeting moment.

The weather could change dramatically outside, but inside the forecast was always the same. It was always lightning.

In the wake of losing Kong Xueer, I had felt an immense responsibility to remember everyone I could. I wanted to memorize their names, their faces, even their smiles, since there was no way to tell which one of us would be leaving for good come our birthday.

I went as far as writing memories down in my diary. Sleeping with it under my pillow in hopes they'd sink in.

This only made me more attached to people and the idea of letting go all the more impossible. I'm embarrassed to say I'd grown this restless. I had my whole life to get use to this script. Why was I only starting to memorize the lines moments before opening night?

The only thing that came easy anymore were my library rendezvous with Jay.

We met like clockwork when the conditions were just right.

I remember one time when he barely beat me up the stairs. I was honestly scared to even let him open the library door.

Somehow, I convinced myself that it would only open for me. That if he opened it, it would open up to the gates of hell instead of my precious kingdom.

But it turns out, he had the key too. For it was always the same comforting place we waltzed into.

I'd managed to get him to play his guitar for me four times. Each time better than the last, of course.

I said he was the best guitar player I'd ever heard. He said he was the only guitar player I'd ever heard.

I suppose we were both right.

As I settled in for bed tonight, laying in the stillness of the dark in my coarse blue pajamas with my journal compressing my head, I couldn't help myself from thinking about Jay. And his smile. And all the things he'd once said.

It was the day after Xueer's death when we had a rather illuminating conversation about trust and discretion, and other things left unspoken.

"You've got to be more careful, Jin."

He reached out towards me with both hands and pulled me to our spot on the couch before continuing, "we know we can do and say whatever we want in this library, but out there we have to act exactly like everyone else. We can trust no one with this secret."