Love Mortality (A KaiSoo Fanfic)

Part 10: (Un)Certain

He rarely went to funerals. While he hoped they brought some solace to humans, they only served as reminders of the human condition to angels--yet another reason to focus on their duties, another reason to choose immortality.

On that day, though, he felt compelled to. He had just helped the woman's husband pass on, and even though he was older, she was crying as if he had never gotten to live at all. The sight deeply saddened the angel, but it also scared him. These two people got almost an entire mortal lifetime together, yet his passing was still causing her so much pain. They had experienced certainty in their relationship, but it seemed that there was still pain in that certainty. 

Perhaps Kyungsoo was right. Despite all of the possibilities to be hurt, humans still seemed to find value in having love and that couple was evidence of it. Maybe Kai didn't know humans as well as he thought he did; maybe no angel did in fact. 

So now, all he had to ask himself was if he was ready to deal with the inevitable pain that was a mortal existence. It wasn't like pain ceased to exist for angels; it did, but it was mostly pain from association--the ping of remorse that was felt when they had to take a soul away from the people who loved them, the indescribable weight on their chests when a soul passed before they got to truly live. But human pain was an entirely different concept, and one Kai wasn't sure if he was ready for. Every mortal he encountered lived with some kind of pain, but most of them walked along as if they didn't. That required a strength Kai didn't think he had in him. 

He came back after her cries became too much for him to bear. 

His heart rate had picked up in pace. He felt overwhelmed, his mind flooded with so many possibilities and the decisions that would make them real. He needed to rest. He needed Kyungsoo. 

On his way back to his dwelling, Kai happened to spot Jonghyun. It was an odd sight for him; in his entire existence thus far, he didn't recall ever seeing an Angel of Passing not at the welcoming gates. The Angel of Death decided to change his course for a moment. Jonghyun's eyes opened before Kai had even finished walking up to him, and he offered him a smile. 

"I never thought I would see the day where an Angel of Passing wasn't on their feet," Kai joked as he came to a stop in front of the other angel. 

Jonghyun laughed. "A new angel was recently created and assigned to our class. My presence is not needed while they are in training," he explained, to which Kai nodded his head. "What about you? Finally have a moment to rest?"

"Never," Kai said in reply, scoffing under his breath. Jonghyun didn't say anything for a few moments but offered him a spot next to him when he did. Kai accepted and moved to sit next to him, bringing his legs up to his chest. 

"You seem troubled. Is something on your mind?" Jonghyun said, and Kai didn't even know how to begin searching for the proper answer to that. There was so much on his mind that he didn't know if he could even talk about it anymore. 

"I know you don't visit Earth often, but if you fell in love, would you think it was worth giving up your immortality for?" It was by no means a simple question, but it was the only way for Kai to sum up all of his worries. 

The elder angel exhaled and raised his eyebrows, his pupils moving around in thought for a minute. "I admittedly have not seen mortal love up close very often, but from what little I have seen, it seems like a powerful thing to feel," he started. "It also seems very complex. I would doubt that even humans fully understand it themselves despite how much they seem to value it." He paused to look at the Angel of Death again, smiling faintly at him. "I can see how it has impacted you in such a beautifully terrifying way. There is nothing wrong with questioning what you want because you fell in love."