Trepidation || Wanda Maximoff

28|Drowning

Riley's POV
It has been a week since my date with Wanda and all I can seem to think about is her. Her smile, her eyes, the way she scrunches her nose when she laughs, and just her. I am planning on asking her on another date but I don't want to seem super desperate, I might ask in a few days. On many occasions I find myself just staring at her or lost in my thoughts which Peter will snap me out of.

But what if she doesn't feel the same way? What if she didn't like the first date? And what we talked about? What if she doesn't like me in the way I like her? What if she hates me? What if she is just pretending and doesn't want to tell me? Or what if she says no to another date? I don't think she likes me. I don't think anyone likes me, even my parents abandoned me, chucked me onto the streets like a piece of trash. The Avengers probably just took me in out of sympathy or obligation, does Peter even like me or Ned and MJ, they probably just pity me. I am alone.

i find myself spiralling as my thoughts seems to strangle me like ropes, chains, they attack me push me under the water dragging me to the bottom and tying me there. That is how panic attacks feel, like I'm downing and chained to the ocean floor with no hope of escaping. My breathing increases, i am hyperventilating and have spiralled myself into a panic attack. My biggest threat and enemy is my own mind, not the people who shoot at me or attack me but its my own head.

I put my head on my desk not wanting to have a panic attack in school, the more I try to snap myself out of it the more I think about what started the attack and I seem to spiral more. "Miss c-can I-I just t-take a-a min-minute?" I whisper, wanting to be louder but it coming out so quietly. She nods and I grab my bags and leave the room, I rush to the bathroom and lock myself in a cubicle. I slid down the wall and end up on the horrid toilet floor, but not particularly caring as the tears blind my vision.

I want to know what its like to be happy, to be truly happy, with no doubts in my mind. I want to know what its like to wake up in the morning and feel confident about what I am doing and feel lie its real when I'm laughing. I want to know what its like to sit down with my friends and feel like they understand me. I want to have my mind stop attacking me, I want to be free from the prison that is my own head. I want to be me without feeling like people will hate what I am doing. I want to be free from my anxiety, free from the stress but that can't happen suddenly, my anxiety has become a part of me and I don't know how to detach it from myself. It's like a virus that has wrapped itself round my mind and body, with the intention to make me hate myself, doubt everything I do and be anxious all the time.

My breathing increases as my vision blurred from tears? Dizziness? Its like I am spinning and can't stop, like I am stuck on a rollercoaster and about to puke. I put my head between my knees and cry. I feel like I'm drowning, like i have ran out of oxygen and just breathed out the last air bubble and am watching it rise to the surface wishing I had more oxygen in me and could rise like the bubbles has done just before my eyes. I feel like I'm dying, like I'm actually drowning and will be stuck at the bottom of the ocean forever forgotten about and abandoned.

Until I hear a voice.

"Riley, please tell me you are in here, I saw you in class, please let me in, I swear you are in here" I hear a voice say "I'm coming in, I am climbing over the door, I know its you in there I can hear you" the voice says again, I still cannot make out who it is but there is some familiarity there. I hear someone's feat and on the ground, I think next to me.

"Oh Riley, its okay, come on breathe with me, listen. In, out, in out, you're okay, yeah. In, out" The Person repeats this many times helping to ground me, lift me to the surface of the water, until I am there enough to register who it is, MJ.

"T-Thank you, I-I-I'm sorry" I stutter out, Mj shakes her head.

"Don't worry, I am calling someone to pick you up, you'll be exhausted and wont manage the day so you're going home" she instructs, I nod wearily, MJ's right.

"H-how lo-long" I question, wanting to know as i feel like shit and shorter panic attacks don't really do that.

"30 minutes maybe, i'm not super sure" MJ tells me causing me to feel even guilty, Mj had to sit with me for that long. Just as I open my mouth to apologise MJ cuts me of before I can even begin "don't you dare apologise again, we had physics and it was some stupid quiz so its fine, I have messaged Peter and told him to message someone to come and get you" MJ tells me. "I told him to say you are ill, you can tell them about it if you want to" she adds, I nod gratefully.

She helps me up off the floor and lets me lean on her to walk outside where Nat is waiting in the car. MJ helps me into the back and puts in my bags and books. Nat smiles at me gently through the mirror. I put my headphones on and look out the window.

"What happened, I can tell you aren't ill" Nat says ten minutes into the car ride.

"I had a panic attack, 30 minutes" I mumble with my head down, I lift my head too see Nat, her face never normally portrays emotion but I can see her eyes widen just slightly, and her mouth open slightly before closing. She removes all emotion from her face before speaking.

"It's nothing to be embarrassed about Riley, it just shows you may have been through more than others and thing affect everyone different Riley, the darkness nights make the stars shine brightest, and if someone doesn't have anxiety they can't judge you as they do not know what its like, until they actually experience it, and when they do they wont judge. You will be okay Riley, anxiety affects everyone with just with different intensity and duration, most people in the compound have either depression, anxiety or PTSD, sometimes all. God I sound like Steve" Nat mutters the last sentence but Riley hears it and chuckles.

"The deep emotional and inspirational things are normally his thing" I respond.

"I was inspirational?" Nat questions teasingly, I chuckle lightly. "Do you want to talk about it? And do you want me to tell anyone or keep it to myself and say you were ill like MJ told Peter"

"I will tell them, and I just spiralled my thoughts get the better of me and dragged me off the boat and into the water, chaining me to the ocean floor, best way I can describe it to you" I respond nervously.

"That must be horrible, I'm sorry. I'll never be able to understand what you go through with your anxiety, I'll be here if you need, I think most people in the compound can say the same" Nat tells me. I smile gratefully.

"I don't want to burden you with my problems, it would be a waste of your time" Nat glares at me with a look that says 'bullshit, you are not a burden'

"Tell me about it now if you want, and if you say its a burden one more time I am going to shoot you, okay not that far but you get the point" Nat says, I nod and try to think of the right words.

"The best way i can describe it would be that everyday is a struggle, even when I'm at my best, my happiest. My anxiety is always with me and panic taps me on the shoulder multiple times a day, some days are better than others as sometimes I can brush it off and other times it clings to me wrapping itself around my body not letting me escape" I say, Nat nods sadly.

We arrive at the compound and Nat helps me out the car and grabs my bags as I am still tired, she gives me a hug and I lean my head on her shoulder. "I'm sorry that this world has been so cruel to you, I'll be here to help you though it though" she tells me, I smile gratefully.

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Hello everyone, if anyone needs to talk about anxiety or anything I am here for you, and a good 'listener' you know what I mean.

This chapter was written so quickly for me, normally chapters like this would take longer for me but this one was quick

Have a great day :)