Dreams other sister? (Ranboo x fem! reader)

chapter 2|𝚃𝚛𝚞𝚜𝚝

Tw: Anxiety attack

.·:*¨༺Y/n's Pov༻¨*:·.

I went back into my room after screaming at clay... 

'Why the fuck do I let this happen' 

I whispered I don't know why but I have conversations with myself makes me think I have supportive friends I guess 

'if I wasn't so fucking stupid then I wouldn't be here, if I would have kept to myself and not told mom and dad I could be there with a shitty life and I wouldn't ruin clays. Why the fuck do I keep yelling at him I can't control it and it's his job he's going to be loud I need to expect this why do I always fuck up if I just wasn't born then I wouldn't be fucking up everyone life. My friends were happy when I came along and they all hate me. Mom and dad were happy with their two kids then I show up and fuck it up they wanted a better child so they had Elle (yes I named Drista Elle I like the name deal with it)it wasn't there they would have been happy but I had to fuck it up just like I fuck up everything.' 

I finished my rant with no one and I realized I was having an anxiety attack as normal as it is it scares me every time and makes me more worried making it worse I didn't do anything about it there's not much  can do well there is a lot I can do but I don't want to make clays point right why the fuck am I so stubborn like this 

why cant I change why cant i be like Delia Deetz perfect and sexy I can because I'm anything but perfect I'm  just an ugly ass bitch with scars that's all I am i could tell my breathing picked up but I still did nothing all I know is I'm laying bed crying and I can't breathe whatsoever and I feel lightheaded. 

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and that was all that I remembered when I woke up with mascara all down my face my phone not on the charger and a knocked-over glass of water on the floor guess I was either too tired and fell asleep or I blacked out?

 I have no idea but I looked around my room looking at how fucked up it was clothes everywhere my desk covered in random makeup pallets all the shit sitting in my room I never realized how messy it was and that just made me dread having to clean it all

 I just got the mascara of  my face and went downstairs Nick and Clay were eating breakfast and Nick looked at me and said "What the fuck you look like shit." I rolled my eyes and responded, "thanks I always do"I started making coffee and clay eyed me "your not going to eat breakfast?"

 I felt my heart rate pick up nick doesn't know about my eating disorder and if I don't eat it would result in an argument from clay I can already tell so I said "uh- ye-yeah I was just making it?" "that sounded like a question more than an answer," nick said laughing I just got a little bowl of cereal and stared at it for like ten minutes before reluctantly picking up my spoon and starting to move around the cereal with milk and I felt nick staring at me out of the corner of his eye my breathing picked up a little more and I started to shake my leg up and down just staring at the cereal I felt bad because nick seemed concerned I felt my eyes start to tear up and I just walked away while I looked at clay and said "I- I can't" and I ran to my room

 almost slipping in the water i didn't clean up I'm just laying in my bed trying to breathe normally when I heard someone knock on the door I wasn't n the right place to be arguing with clay right now.

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Nicks(sapnaps) pov

Y/n just ran off to her room so I asked clay "What the fuck was that is she okay?" clay just said "I don't fucking know any more we keep arguing she won't listen to me" I just sat there for a moment  then spoke up and said "Let me talk to her" 

so I ran upstairs and knocked on her door there was no response so I said "Y/n it nick can I come in?" a few seconds later  heard her say "yeah" so I opened the door and there was shit everywhere but I wasn't there to look at the mess of her room so I sat at the end of her bed and I said "Y/n are you okay like actually are you okay you don seem okay and you're worrying me I want you, to be honest, I don't want the yeah I'm fine shit i know your not fine and that's okay but I want to help" she just looked at me for a second and said, "n-no I'm not fucking o-kay I can't even go a god damn day without a panic attack or two I flip over everything and I can't fucking do anything right."

 I just looked at her I don't know if it was just her thinking this or if it was all her and clays arguments or what I responded with "it's okay to have panic attacks you know your not the only one a lot of my friends have panic attacks me and clay also have panic attacks it happens and it's okay your just stressed and that's okay too you take too many focuses and it makes it hard it's okay to think that but I and clay want to help. Also there's always times were going to flip like fuck it, you are exactly like clay when he was your age he would always flip out over little things and make sure everything was perfect he was more stressed than anything its okay to flip out a lot it happens you need to balance yourself so you can focus on important things, don't think that you fuck everything up you don't your doing just fine believe me at least your still in college and your doing fine in college it's okay you're doing great Y/n"

 I don't know how to talk to people but I think I did okay because she looked at me and smiled and said "thanks nick you are so much easier to talk to than clay" that meant something to me and Y/n never really talked so it meant something that she trusted me to tell me something

 she got up and hugged me I hugged her back and asked if she wanted to get Starbucks because that the only thing I know she likes and she probably hasn't slept in like four days she said yes and I went back downstairs and clay looked at me and said "See she's too difficult to talk to!" I laughed and said "I think its just a problem with you because she fine now were getting Starbucks" he looked at me and said "WHAT THE FUCK THAT'S NOT FAIR- wait if she listens to you can you tell her the news" I am not running our friendship that just started so I said "sorry dude but that's for you to tell her" he gave me a death stare and then said okay and I went to find my keys

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Y/n pov:

I went downstairs after getting ready to go to Starbucks with nick when clay told me to come to the kitchen quick he said "hey so you know how I and nick are going to that meet up with our friends?"   I looked at him and said "yeah? what about it." I was looking forward to spending a month home alone without clay arguing with me "well you have to go with us." I was so pissed it's in like two weeks! he couldn't have told me sooner I was so mad I started screaming at him "WHY DO YOU TELL ME NOW I DONT GIVE A FUCK IM NOT GOING YOU SAW ME FLIP YESTERDAY WHY DO YOU THINK I COULD BE OKAY FOR A GOD DAMN MONTH WITH PEOPLE WHO STREAM AND I WILL JUT BE AWKWARDLY SITTING THERE IN THE CORNER THE ENTIRE TIME WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU TO THINK IM GOING WITH YOU" clay started screaming too and I just ran outside I don't know where I was going but I wasn't going to be there for very long.

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Well that's it idk a bit happened in that I guess anyways stay safe eat during was don't do drugs, kids!

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-Madds

(1463 words)