Song: Erase/Rewind - The Cardigans
Roger's PoV
I regretted the stupid words the second they fell from my angry, hissing lips. Of course, I didn't mean it, of course I would always care about Victoria, about her thoughts and her feelings, but in that moment, all I had wanted was to hurt her, for her to understand a mere fraction of the pain she had put me through all these years.
Deep down, you were still the same old Roger Taylor, lashing out dumbly because you couldn't handle your fucking feelings. Because you were so scared that she was right in doubting your ability to care for Lola, that, rather than admit you needed help with this whole parenting thing, you turned the attack on her instead.
Of course Victoria was upset I took Lola without telling her; it was a stupid move caused by my own carelessness and excitement to spend time with my daughter. I hadn't done it to hurt Victoria, but still, I should have just taken her critiques like a man and apologised, instead of cruelly fighting back like a boy.
But still, bringing up my past, that was a low fucking blow. Especially if she was really over all the shit that had happened, like she claimed she was. It was like she had wanted a reaction from me, so she could use it as a justification for her keeping me away all these years. I knew her well enough to understand when she was trying to provoke me.
Did she want me to hate her? Was that it? Was it easier for her if I hated her, and just ignored all that we had been to each other, all that we were to each other? If we ignored the sparks that still flew between us?
Still, even now I could never hate her, no matter how dark the thoughts swirling around my head became. I fucking loved her man. Which only made the betrayal hurt that much more.
Sighing softly, I splashed my face with cold water, slowly dragging my eyes up to the stare at the pale reflection of the man in the hotel mirror. He was a guy I should have known well, his damp blonde hair his most notable feature, but he was a stranger to me. Aged past his years, despite his attempts to stay young; the stress of the past few days already etched upon his lined face, hidden in the murky depths of the shadows beneath his eyes, in the red splotches that covered his cheeks whenever he failed to get adequate sleep. Stubble had gathered on his usually well-groomed chin, forming a disdainful five o'clock shadow. He looked a mess. He felt like a mess.
Should I just give up? Is that what she wanted? She didn't want me here, that much was clear. I hadn't done much to help matters, with my temper tantrums and all, but still, even before that, she had hardly seemed thrilled at my presence. Why should she be? She had John in her life to do all the functions I came in handy for, and he probably did a much better job than I did. Even Lola wouldn't miss me, if I left, for more than a week. Her uncle John would comfort her, and then she would forget all about me. Children didn't really retain memories until at least the age of three, chances were that she wouldn't remember me in a few years time. Maybe it would be for the best, if I was as much of a fuck-up as Victoria said I was. If all I did was hurt people, no matter my intentions.
Roger, snap out of it! You can't abandon her, you just can't. She's waited so long for a father, you can't just disappear from her life again. I can't give up at the first hurdle.
But what if that's what was best for Lola? I had grown up around bickering parents; their petty arguments had made my adolescence hell. Not being able to sleep at night because of the screaming, always feeling forced to pick sides, spending years of my life just wishing they would break up so I didn't have to deal with them hurting each other anymore. I didn't know what I was doing here, I didn't have a plan, I didn't know the first thing about being a father. That first night when Victoria had begrudgingly let me put Lola to bed, I had baulked, unsure of what to do. If Lola hadn't told me what to do, a child of three, I'd have been stuck.
