High C

21. Kablooey

"Oh nonononono! You don't understand!"

Bob held off an expected attack with defensive palms and accidentally touched one of DeeDee's own.

"Don't touch me!" she warned him.

"DeeDee, I know this looks awful, but your sister doesn't love me."

"Oh PLEASE!"

"She's in love with Rodney!"

"That's no excuse!"

"You can't even deny it!"

"I don't believe this!" DeeDee said trying to exit. The heel of her foot got stuck in the sleigh's door gap causing her to slip down in an awkward split.

"It doesn't matter because we're not really engaged!"

"What??"

"It's fake. It's an act! God that feels so good to say!"

"Bob. What is this? What are you saying?"

He climbed down after her. "I'm an actor. I'm not a bunion or bug inspector. I used to work here. Your sister said your parents wouldn't let her marry Rodney because he was broke and she wanted to teach them a lesson by replacing him with me. I love pets and kids! My brothers and I get along great!"

"You've been watching too many of those cheesy Christmas movies on that channel."

"It's exactly what it sounds like, I know. Except your sister and I are, like – " Here, Bob gestured wildly with every hand signal he knew that meant the word nothing. "Not a thing."

"So the chauvinism and the slide show and feeding the goats peppers - all part of an act?"

"To piss your parents off. YES!"

Her eyes narrowed as she crossed her arms.

"Did you really almost get shot?"

"Good question. Also YES."

"This is insane."

"This holiday hasn't been easy, but lying to you has been the worst part."

DeeDee's eyes swirled in thought. Her mouth made a small O on the verge of asking any number of questions. It softened, relaxing, hanging open as not to commit to a frown.

"She hired you as a 'be careful what you wish for'?" A reluctant laugh in appreciation for being good and snookered tumbled forward. "That brilliant, shady little rat."

"Right?" Bob nearly exploded with gratitude for her getting it.

"Oh my God! I mean it's a lot, but... it's ingenious! We're talking a master stroke in con-artistry."

"Well, I'd like to think I deserve most of the – "

"Why wouldn't she tell me?"

"She said you couldn't keep a secret from your mother."

"That's not true. And neither can she!"

"She kept this one though."

"Aggh! Your mother! And the ants! So many ants! Bravo sir!" she applauded him.

"Just so you know, the kiss wasn't part of it."

"I forgot about the kiss. I mean, I didn't forget, but I really couldn't enjoy it."

Her cheeks flushed a bit and she shook her head to erase what she'd said. Bob took it as a good sign and wanted to click his heels. "Now let's go find that sister of mine. She is so dead!"

"Uh. Wait."

"Wait?"

"Look, the reason I agreed to this crazy job is because Natasha said she'd get me a role in one of Steve's shows, but that only happens if the secret stays a secret."