*Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker*
New York: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.
Everyone:
California: ...I did. I broke it.
New York: No. No you didn't. Louisiana?
Louisiana: Don't look at me. Look at Florida.
Florida: What?! I didn't break it.
Louisiana: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
Florida: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
Louisiana: Suspicious.
Florida: No, it's not!
Texas: If it matters, probably not, but Gov was the last one to use it.
Gov: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
Texas: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
Gov: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Texas!
California: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, New York.
New York: No! Who broke it!?
Everyone:
Texas: New York... Louisiana's been awfully quiet.
Louisiana: rEALLY?!
*Everyone starts arguing*
New York, being interviewed: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it.
New York: I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.
New York:
New York: Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.
========================
New York: I CAN'T DO IT!
California, laughing: I CAN'T EITHER!
New York: I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE
Louisiana: WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US.
New York:
New York: I appreciate it,
New York: BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH-
Florida: New York-
New York: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!
Texas: New York we gotta-
New York: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT.
New York: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?'
New York, motioning to Gov: NOT FUCKING THIS
========================
New York: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?
California: >:O language
Louisiana: Yeah watch your fucking language
Florida: OKAY WHO TAUGHT LOUISIANA THE FUCK WORD?
Texas: 'The fuck word'.
Gov: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time
Louisiana: Oh my god they censored it
Texas: Say fuck, Gov.
Louisiana: Do it, Gov. Say fuck
========================
New York: Rules are made to be broken.
California: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.
Louisiana: Uh, piñatas.
Florida: Glow sticks.
Texas: Karate boards.
Gov: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.
New York: Rules.
California:
========================
* The main six is over at New York's house*
California: Ohhhh, we each get our own oven?
New York: ... N-No...
New York, laughing: How many ovens do you think I have???
California, motioning to their kitchen: Three, I thought!
Louisiana: I see a-
New York, motioning to one device: This is a microwave.
California: Oh, well I-
New York: Hey wait wait, actually- hang on- *fiddles with the buttons on the microwave*
New York, amazed: Its got a bake setting!
Florida: Ohoho, you learn something new every day!
Texas: Do we- Do we roshambo for who gets to pick first?
New York: Now I've just discovered I have more ovens than I thought, we don't have to roshambo nothin!
New York: I am someone who owns four ovens...
New York, louder and way too happy: I am someone... who owns FOUR OVENS...
New York: I didn't know I was so rich with ovens...
Gov, pointing to another appliance: Also the toaster oven!
New York:
California: Ohhh, toasty boy! Four- Five ovens!
New York:
New York, fucking ECSTATIC: I AM SOMEONE WHO OWNS FIVE OVENS
========================
New York: Hewwo.
California: Hihiiiiii!
Louisiana: Greetings, Humans.
Texas: Three kinds of people.
Florida: I want pudding.
New York: Four kinds of people.
Gov: WHAT'S UP FUCKERS?
Texas: Five kinds of people.
========================Louisiana: So when are we gonna tell them?
California: Just give them a minute.
Louisiana: *Pulling on a door that clearly says push.*
========================New York, slamming pots and pans together to the rhythm of "Give it to me, I'm worth it": I didn't get no sleep cause a' y'all! Y'all never gonna sleep cause a' me!
========================Florida: I truly believe that water can solve all your problems.
California: Weight loss? Drink water.
New York: Clear skin? Drink water.
Gov: Want to get rid of someone? Drown them.
========================Louisiana: I dare you to kiss the next person who walks into this room.
Gov: Screw that, I'm not kissing any of you.
*New York walks in*
Gov: Fine, I'll do it. Rules are rules you know.
========================Texas: I have yet to encounter a problem where a sword didn't factor into the solution at least in some way.
========================Louisiana: Look guys, I need help.
California: Love help?
Texas: Financial help?
Gov: Emotional help?
New York: Help moving a body?
*Everybody looks at New York*
New York: What?
========================California: I warned you.
California: I'm perfect.
========================California: *falls down the stairs*
Texas: Are you okay?
Gov: Stop falling down the stairs!
Florida: How'd the ground taste?
========================Texas: You know, studies show that keeping a ladder in the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun.
Texas: That's why I own TEN guns.
Texas: Just in case some maniac tries to sneak in with a ladder.
========================New York: You use emoji's like a straight person.
Florida: That's literally the worst thing anyone has ever said about me.
========================Florida: I can't take this anymore, someone needs to take me out!
Gov: In a dating type of way, or an assassination type of way?
Florida: I don't know, surprise me!
========================Louisiana: Florida! For the love of god, please turn down that music. I have a hangover.
Florida: *blasting the mii theme at full volume* That sounds like a you problem, not a mii problem.
========================Gov: Which way did Alaska go?
Texas: Well, based on the direction of the wind, the broken sticks in the corner, and the slight disturbance in the dirt, I'd guess they went left.
Gov: You could really figure it out from that?
Texas: No, you idiot, Alaska sent me a text. See?
========================Florida: New York is okay.
Louisiana: They're okay? They said they were going to break my legs! And don't tell me they didn't mean it, okay?! 'Cause they gave me the mackerel eyes, they meant it!
Florida: Louisiana, New York threatened me. They threaten Texas every day. They probably threatened California before breakfast this morning. It's what they do.
========================Alaska: Is this about me?
Texas: No.
Alaska: Then I've lost interest.
========================New York: I'm bored.
Gov: Wanna commit first degree murder?
New York: Sure!
Louisiana, hearing them: No- Stop, don't do that! Put that knife down! Put Florida down!!
========================
Gov: Nice rock.
Florida: Thanks, Alaska gave it to me.
Alaska: I threw it at you!
Florida: Aren't they the sweetest?
========================Florida: sSSSHIT- I BURNT MY LIP-
Texas: ...Why the fuck would you even drink coffee with a METAL STRAW in the FIRST PLACE??
Florida: BECAUSE WE WERE OUT OF THE PLASTIC ONES!
========================Florida: I'm a fool, not an idiot.
========================Florida: Alaska, I screwed up, big time.
Alaska: Florida, given your daily life experiences, you're gonna have to be more specific.
========================Gov: There's nothing to do....
Alaska: You can wash the dishes you promised to wash about a week ago.
Gov: *pulls out their phone* Nevermind.
========================Gov: You don't need my blessing to go kiss Alaska. In fact, I was pretty sure you were already kissing Alaska!
New York: Nope.
Gov: In that case, as the archbishop of Gov's fully awakened gaydom, I give you my blessing to immediately leave and rectify that as soon as possible! Go now, my child, and kiss Alaska right on the lips!!!
========================New York: Hey, did you know as a kid I accidentally ate paper?
Alaska: I feel like we've all done that at least once.
Gov: I ate it too-
Alaska: See?
Gov:: -On purpose...
New York & Alaska: ...What?
========================Gov: Bottling up negative emotions is bad for your health, so you shouldn't do it.
New York: I know, that's why I bottle up all my emotions, both positive and negative, so it cancels out.
Gov: Th-that's not how that works-
========================Texas: I thought you were going to give me a book recommendation or something.
Florida : *laughs* Book recommendation? I can't read!
========================California: Are we fighting or flirting?
New York: I'm pinning you against a wall with my hand around your neck-
California: Your point?
========================Alaska: Why are you on fire?
California : This is just how my day is going.
========================Texas: You need to stop swearing so much.
New York: Shut the fuck up.
Texas: Yeah, that's not how you do it.
New York: Alright sorry. It's just that it's hard not to swear. The words just creep up on me when I least expect it.
Texas: Now now, don't be like that. Just replace the swear words with 'beep' and you'll be fine.
New York: Shit the beep up.
Texas:
New York: SHUT, DAMMIT! I MEANT SHUT!
========================Texas: What's up with California? They've been laying on the floor for like....an hour now?
Alaska: They're just a little overwhelmed.
Texas: Why?
Alaska: Louisiana smiled at them.
========================Texas: Are we really going to let Gov keep Alaska?
New York: We kept Louisiana
========================Alaska: Ask me anything. Go ahead, I'll give you a straight answer.
Gov: Why are we so fucking awesome?
Alaska: That's the best fucking question anybody's ever asked.
========================Louisiana: How are we supposed to put a tracker the size of a penny on Alaska without them noticing?
New York: Hey, Alaska, I bet you 5 bucks that you can't swallow this penny.
Child Alaska: *takes and swallows tracker* Pay up, loser.
Louisiana: ...
========================New York: I'm gonna get my pilot's license. I've already got a driver's license and a cosmetology license, that's two of the big five licenses.
California: The big five licenses?
New York: Driver's license, cosmetology license, pilot's license, fishing license, and... license to kill! I can't wait to get that one.
========================Alaska: Someone care to explain why we have 6 dogs in our apartment?
Florida: They're golden retrievers, dude. They retrieve gold. I did this for us.
========================Louisiana: DID YOU REALLY THINK THAT JOKE WAS FUNNY? IT WASNT. NOBODY IS LAUGHING.
Louisiana: *pulls up a graph* THIS IS WHEN YOU TOLD YOUR JOKE, YOU HAVE SONGLE HANDEDLY RUINED COMEDY! IVE ALSO ASKED MANY COMEDY SCHOLARS ON THEIR OPINION OF YOUR JOKE AND THIS IS WHAT THEY HAD TO SAY!
Alaska: I've been researching comedy for the past 20 years, and I have genuinely never seen a joke this bad. We have used quantum physics to look into alternate universes to see every joke made, and yours was still by far the worst.
Louisiana: CONGRATULATIONS! YOUVE SINGLE HANDEDLY CREATED THE WORST JOKE IN HUMAN HISTORY! HERES A MEDAL! *pulls up a horrible ms paint drawn star that says "you need help*
========================California: This food is too hot... I cant eat it.
New York: You're very hot, and I still eat you.
Everyone at the table: *silence*
Texas: YOU GUYS ARE DISGUSTING!
Louisiana: One dinner... I just want ONE DINNER!
========================Alaska: Welcome to Fucking Applebees, do you want apples or bees?
Texas: Bees?
Alaska: THEY HAVE SELECTED THE BEES!
Texas: Wait-
*Florida approaches, shaking a jar of bees menacingly*
========================Alaska: How would you like your coffee?
New York: As dark as my soul.
Alaska: Got it, one cup of milk coming right up!
========================Louisiana, at Gov: You're my significant other.
Gov: Yeah I am!
Louisiana, at California: You're my child.
California: Yes boss.
Louisiana, at Florida: You're my bitch.
Florida: Yeah I am- wait, what?
Louisiana, at Texas: My bestie.
Texas: Naturally.
Louisiana, New York: HA, GAY!
New York: Fuck you.
========================Texas: Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, and wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Florida: That's deep.
Louisiana: That means that ketchup is a smoothie.
Florida: That's deeper.
Gov: ...You guys are idiots.
========================Alaska: Are you reading fan fiction?
California, reading an article about extremely rare diseases: Wh- No.
Alaska: Oh, is it on AO3?
California: This is CNN.
========================Gov: What's something you guys are better than Alaska at?
New York: Mario Kart.
Texas: Yeah, video games.
California: Emotional vulnerability.
========================California: Wake me up-
Gov: Before you go go
New York: When September ends
Florida: WAKE ME UP INSIDE
========================Alaska: I wish I was a dinosaur.
New York: Why? Cause they're big and scary?
Alaska: Because they're dead.
========================Alaska: I'd like to live through a week that's not a whole new verse of "We Didn't Start the Fire."
========================New York: Gov, what are you doing?
Gov: Making chocolate pudding.
New York: It's four in the morning, why are you making chocolate pudding?
Gov: Because I've lost control of my life.
Gov: Here's your pudding, Florida.
Florida: Oh that's okay, I'm not hungry anymore.
========================Alaska, hungover: Please tell me I'm imagining that I claimed I was king of the ducks.
Gov: I would, but then I would be lying to the King of All Ducks.
========================Florida: *sees New York and Alaska together*
Florida: They're cute. I would put them on a boat.
Louisiana: You mean... you ship them?
========================Florida: If I was married to you I would put poison in your coffee.
Gov: If I was married to you I'd drink it.
========================New York: Well, Alaska and I finally did it!
The rest of the squad: *gasps, shocked expressions, etc.*
New York: That's right... We kissed!
========================Florida: Thought I was meowing back at my cat for the past hour, but it was just me and Alaska meowing at each other from different rooms in the house.
========================Florida: Where's Louisiana, Gov, and Alaska?
California: They're playing hide and seek.
Florida: Where?
California: I don't think you get how this game works.
========================
*Squad reactions to being told 'I love you'*
Gov: Thanks fam!
Florida: Oh no.
Texas: *cries* I love you too.
California: Sounds fake, but okay.
Alaska: *A flustered mess*
New York: Can I get a refund?
========================
*playing twister*
Texas: Right hand red.
Alaska: *ends up on top of New York*
New York: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?
Texas: I stopped spinning like 15 minutes ago. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice.
========================Florida: *dies*
Louisiana: Timer starts now! When are they coming back? I say two months!
Alaska: Bullshit. One month.
New York: Nah, half a month.
California, sobbing: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? FLORIDA JUST DIED!
Gov, scratching chin in thought: One week.
========================Florida: I think we should have glow stick juice injected in our bones when we're born, so if we break our bones, we get a fun little surprise.
California: What's the surprise?
New York: Blood poisoning.
========================New York: Fine! I don't give a shit!
California: You seem to give a lot of shit for someone who claims not to give a shit.
========================Alaska: You are a solid 11/10.
Texas: Aw, thank-
Alaska: Which is 1.1 because you look like shit.
========================New York: You... you said I could trust you!!
New York: You said you were a GAMER!!!
Florida: New York... I only play mobile games.
New York: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
========================Texas, about Alaska and New York: My god, would you two just get a room already?
New York: Excuse me, Texas?
Texas: You both just keep agreeing about horrifying things and relishing everybody else's misery. So seriously, when's the wedding?
Alaska: ...
California: I ship it!
Florida: CAN YOU NOT?
========================Texas: Why do you not believe that ghosts are real?
New York: Never seen one.
Texas: Okay, I mean, there's a lot of things that you can't see that are real.
New York: What can't I see?
Texas: You can't see gravity. That's real.
New York: Yeah, I can drop an apple.
Texas: Fuck.
========================New York: Who the fuck-
Florida: Language!
New York: Whom the fuck-
Florida: No.
========================Gov: You just said 'hole' too many times.
Alaska: And that's coming from Gov.
New York: *Points at Gov* That's concerning.
California: YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ALASKA! *storms out*
========================New York: Oh my California.
Louisiana: Don't you mean 'oh my god'?
New York: You worship your god, I'll worship mine.
========================Florida, texting: Don't worry, I have your phone! Text me when you're gonna come get it!
========================New York: Florida, I beg of you. Please, PLEASE go to the doctor.
Florida: Hey, I'm sorry. Is this OUR stab wound?
========================New York: Hey, Louisiana. What kind of flowers do you prefer?
Louisiana: I like sunflowers.
New York, pulling out a bouquet of Venus Flytraps: Well, shit-
