confess your feelings to set you free(Elliot And Olivia)

I hate you

Olivia's in her living room this time, no dark apartment, no wine, her legs out straight against the length of the couch. she wasn't planing on writing tonight, work was difficult today, she just wanted to ignore Peter's advice and go to bed, but, Peter was right, she had to stop forcing herself to not think about it

Olivia grabs the notebook and opens it to the next page, she stares at it for a moment, waiting for the thoughts, memories, the voices to come to her. Finally one did...not one she wanted

"Elliot, tell us what you need"

"...I love you"

Olivia opens her eyes quickly "no..no" she said quietly as she sat up on the edge of the couch "im not doing this, that will not be part of this stupid book" she added, she laid the notebook down and headed down the hall, she opens her closet door and starts rifling through boxes before she stops herself for a moment, realizing shes doing the same thing she did months ago with Burton, thankfully those boxes and memories have been thrown away.  she grabs a file box from the back and goes back to the couch. Olivia throws the top off and takes a deep a breath when she starts to pull out the contents. Photos from the early days of her svu career, medals she got, nicknacks she used to have on her desk. maybe looking at everything will help her

She pulled out an old photo of her, Cassidy, Munch, Jeffries, and Elliot, all sitting on a bench, finger guns and real guns pointed at the camera, she chuckles softly at her original squad before setting the photo aside, she takes another deep breath  when She pulled out a small mini badge, she slides her thumb over the numbers *6313*  he gave this to her when he left, no, when he disappeared

"I'm your partner. for better or worse"

Olivia scoffed slightly at the words replaying in her head "for better or worse, huh?..." she said quietly, and closed her eyes, her thumb still moving across the badge slowly

"Could you shut the door please"

Olivia presses her lips together tightly as she hears Cragens voice in her head, just as clear as the day it happened

"Elliot put his papers in...there was nothing I could"

Olivias heart droped, then and now. she clinches her fists slowly as she replays the day in her head, she remembers how her heart felt like it falling and jumping all at the same time, she remembers the slight huming sound in her ears that almost drowned Cragen out. She remembers leaving his office and choking down every tear as Munch and Fin tried to talk to her. she remembers going into the empty integration room to finally let out what was building inside her.  Olivia squeezes her eyes shut harder, she slides to the floor between the coffee table and front of the couch as she remembers the insane warm, almost fire feeling in her chest as she cried by herself, as she all but hyperventilated by herself at the thought of continuing without him.  Olivia opens her eyes, stinging with real tears now, without hesitation she writes the first prhase that came to mind

I hate you

She doesnt cross it out, She stares at her words, she doesn't mean them, not exactly, she blinks away the tears trying to come out as she starts writing again, this time faster, as if the speed of her writing will let her be done with this assignment sooner

I hate you, I hate you for how you left, I hate you for not telling me, I hate you making me clean out your desk,  I hate you for forcing Cragen to tell me, I hate that you never answered anyone's calls

Olivia gaspsed quietly, almost as if she cant catch her breath, as if she was speaking really fast when she finaly wrote the last line

I hate you for leaving me

Olivia drops the pen and lets her tears fall,  she slides her hands on to her forehead and rests her elbows on her knees "son of a bitch" she whispered, she pulls herself back up on to the couch and leans forward with her arms still against her knees as she cries quietly. suddenly, without warning, she hears her own voice in her head

"That what we were to each other, was never real, that we got in the way of each other being  who and where we needed to be"

"That was Kathy"

Suddenly the sadness of him leaving lifted...and then the rage sets in, Olivia gripped her pen tightly

And fuck you, fuck you for that stupid letter, you knew what it said and yet you still gave it to me, you knew it would hurt me and you didn't care, did you ever care?

That last line hits Olivia alittle  too deep, even though  he did hurt her and he didnt care, and he barely apologized for it, the last line triggers her about more than just him leaving her, Peter was right, she blamed him for things he wasn't there for and why?

"My old partner, he'd know what to do. He wouldn't question himself after what you've done"

Olivia breathes faster when again, she hears her own voice in her head. she contuines to write, she's not even thinking anymore she's just writing and writing and trying to see through the tears that are coming down faster and harder making small puddles on the paper and the table beneath it

My therapist asked why I blame you for what happened after you left, how could I blame someone who wasn't there he said. I blame you because if you were there then I would've been safe, you have would protected me, you would've saved me. I dont blame you for the assaults, for the beatings, I blame you for not answering your phone when anyone called to tell you, I blame you for not moving heaven and hell to find me when no one else could for four fucking days Elliot, I blame you for not caring enough about me because I actually prayed for you to be the one to find me

Olivia drops her pen on to the coffee table now in a full uncontrollable sob, she cant see the paper anymore, she stands up trying to breathe. she starts to walks around her living room with her hands ontop of  her head  but she opened up the vaut door and she can't stop the voicing from entering her head

"I'm sliding the gun across the table to Sargent Benson, there's three chambers left, one bullet"

Olivia drops to her knees in front of the coffee table "stop it, stop it" she whispered to herself when she grabbed the pen

I needed you, I needed you, every time he touched and groped me, every time he forced pills down my throat, i thought when Elliot finds out about this you're gonna make him a dead man. when he held the gun to my head I knew I was going to die, my only thought  was that I'll never see you again, even if there was a tiny chance you would show up again, I was seconds away from dying and you were the one person I thought of, I needed you. I need you

Olivia immediately scratches out the last part, this time harder since Peter could read through it the last time, she slams the notebook shut and pushes it away from her. Though she crossed it out, her thoughts are still on the last line, she does need him. She leans her back against the wall under her living room windows, she needs to calm down, Noah will be home from dance soon, she needs to make dinner, she needs to put the notebook away...she needs to stop thinking about how she needs him

Olivia pushes herself off the floor and makes her way over to the counter, she grabs her phone and scrolls through her contacts till she stops at his name, her thumbs hovers over the name *Elliot*

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