impermanence

six.

𝒅𝒐 𝒃𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓 / 𝒃𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

it's getting later,
1:30 a.m.

my head is aching
because maybe i'm dehydrated,
or maybe i'm tired

or maybe i'm dying, as
anxious thoughts like to tell me.

maybe i need to spend less time
staring at screens,
less time listening to music,
less time inside all day.

maybe i need to get proper sleep,
maybe i need to drink water,
maybe i need to go hang out with
my friends.

as i lay in my bed at one in the morning,
typing away on my phone,
i can't help but think i want to do
better.

but that's an empty promise i keep
on making, isn't it?
— i want to do better
— i want to be better
...and when will i finally mean it?

when will i matter enough to
myself
that i decide to do better?

to brush my teeth
to drink water
to shower
to text my friends
to get more sleep
to eat proper meals

when will i be awake at 1:30 a.m.
and make the decision to do better?

because tonight,
it's warm
and i still hide
away under blankets.

because tonight,
i forgot to shower
because i hated
my body.

because tonight,
i wish i had made myself
a glass of water
and chugged it down,
but instead i retreated to
my bed.

because tonight,
my head hurts and
i'm scared
that means something far
worse then it probably
actually does.

because tonight, nothing feels better.