WEEKEND WRITE IN PROMPTS

Part 24: Guarantee, 29 Apr; Guess, 05 May

                                                                            GUARANTEE

                                                                                 29 Apr

                                                                                GUESS

                                                                                05 May

Robbie Flanagan walked briskly through the heat into the furniture store. It was hot on this mid-summer day, and so was he. He had purchased a recliner from this store, Recliners-R-Us, which suited all his recliner needs such as rocking, adjusted height for ease of disembarkation, and fabric sturdy but not coarse. He liked it and it did well. Okay, there were the minor issues of the handle falling off on the first one delivered, one side being higher than the other causing a slight vertigo sensation on the second one delivered, But the third one was perfect in all aspects proving stern words at the right moment could achieve positive results.

The recliner performed admirably for some time, much to the delight of Robbie, but one day there was a pronounced snap and Robbie sank one cheek uncomfortably lower into the seat cushion.

After a brief "what the hell?" moment, Robbie rolled the chair forward, and given a clear view of its undercarriage, he saw one spring (a wicked-looking serpentine affair that bowed upward to give the seating its support) had snapped. Robbie wondered how this could be? Surely a recliner should not malfunction like this.

The bill of sale was found and attached was the documentation for the terms and agreements that were unlikely to have ever been read by anyone, ever. To Robbie's delight, there was also a pamphlet included with the words "LIFETIME GUARANTEE". How lucky could he be?

So here he was, after a wait for the salesperson to assist two moronic imbeciles with never-ending idiotic questions, finally able to get his recliner malfunction resolved through his good fortune of the Lifetime Guarantee.

"The spring in my recliner broke." Roger leaped in ready to have his problem addressed.

With a raised eyebrow that gave the impression that he smelled something a bit rancid the salesperson said "I beg your pardon?"

"The spring in my recliner broke. Here is my receipt, the documents provided at the time of sale, and I call your attention to this one that says Lifetime Guarantee. When do you think my recliner can be replaced?"

Taking the documents like Robbie had handed him a bag of recently collected dog poop, the salesperson said, "very good sir." No sincerity was evidenced there. "Ah, yes, there is a lifetime guarantee but I am afraid it is a limited lifetime guarantee."

"Where does it say that?" Robbie asked beginning to feel his good fortune starting to slightly erode.

In a move that would be the envy of a well-adept magician, a jeweler's loupe appeared in the salesperson's hand. "If you will place this in your dominant eye and look just here. It spells it out very plainly that the guarantee only covers a replacement part."

"Well," thought Robbie, "not the best but still better than nothing." And, again engaging the salesperson, he asked, "when do you think you can have someone out to replace the broken spring?"

With a slightly condescending smile one might see given to the person unfortunate enough to have stepped in the dog poop before it could be properly bagged, the salesperson said, "you misunderstand sir. We do not get the part or replace it."

"But it is in your guarantee?"

"No sir. The guarantee is provided by the manufacturer of the chair, the part must be addressed with them, not us."

"But, I bought the chair here. Surely you stand behind the products you sell?"

Heaving a weary sigh, "If you will use the monocle you will clearly see just here that the store warranty is only ninety days. A period of time you have exceeded by some three weeks. Any further assistance beyond that period is strictly between the purchaser and manufacturer."

Robbie asked the next logical question if he procured the part could the store repair it? The answer was of course, at a cost about three times that of purchasing a new one.

More deflated than a birthday balloon two days after the party, in answer to the salesperson's query as to whether he might be of any more assistance, Robbie in total defeat said, "I guess I would like to purchase a recliner."