The Stories In My Head

1

,,I want to be alive"- from the longest time that thought didn't cross my mind. So many reasons to end it. Bullying, my parents, fake friends and the emptiness... This whole world is so cruel and sad... People die every day, that's true, but honestly I got used to it at this point. Wars, hunger, sickness and just pure ignorance from others. Nothing much to think about. Others just don't care.

Maybe that's why killing yourself doesn't appear so bad in those times, it's a better choice than to continue this pointless life... When you could spend a second, one quick thought you would get to a conclusion that the world wouldn't even notice when a teenager, even a child kills themselves. They would just move on. Adults always say that we don't have any problems... We don't have jobs, we don't have to pay bills etc. They can't or just don't want to understand that it's completely not true! So much young people go through stuff that we can't even imagine.

And here I am the one to tell you my story.

Others think that my life is perfect, my parents give me money, I have quite good grades, a few good friends and I'm overall friendly and always happy. Couldn't be more far away from the truth...
Money instead of love.
Grades just from pure luck.
Friends because I adjust my personality to them.
Happy because I put a fake smile and hide my emotions when I leave my room.

Lately I've been feeling so empty... I can't sleep or eat. I don't know if I'm still really alive at this point.Then an idea comes to my mind...

Next day I'm already sitting on the bathroom floor with blood dripping down my arms... Deep cuts covering my wrists. Holding a razor blade I make another cut...

,, Only one more..."

Now there's no going back.

It's so good to finally feel something... The pain reminds me that I'm still alive. Well I don't really like that fact but I have to keep going just a little more...

,, Maybe it will get better?"

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It's still getting worse... I'm almost running out of space for new cuts on my skin... I just can't take it anymore. At this point I've passed out so many times from blood loss. No one helped me. I just woke up a few hours later every time. It's not really looking good for me... It's clear now...

It's time for me to go.

Leaving my house for the last time is oddly calming, thinking how much bad memories I've made in there. Passing my old school... That wasn't better. They told me multiple times how I should kill myself already... There you have it assholes.

I get to my favourite place in the whole world and look down at the water smiling.

Climbing over the railing my head is completely empty and my heart is as cold as ice... Only a few seconds and it will be over, I'm going to be free. Tears start rolling down my cheeks... But don't think I'm scared or sad- I'm not. These are the tears of relief and peace.

I look at the beautiful sky, it's full of stars. I always liked watching it... It saved me so many times from doing this before. Well I guess it decided to make me a suprise and be especially stunning this night even if it can't help me now.

Taking a last look I let go of the railing behind me and slowly fall off the bridge...

,, To a better world"- maybe I don't believe in the afterlife but I love that thought.

When I'm about to hit the water, before everything goes black with the last bit of air I manage to wisper my last words:

,,I want to be alive!"