The Stories In My Head

3 (12.07.2023)

If you told me 5 years ago I would be in a place that dark and empty like this I would have laughed in your face...

5 years ago I was still a child- abused but clueless, the trauma not setting in yet. I still felt like my parents loved me truly unconditionally and would do anything for me. The only thing I was worried about being if I can see my friends.

4 years ago it all went downhill... I was abandoned and lied to by my dearest friend. Left alone I had no one to exchange even one word with. Because I was too shy and passive I obviously made an easy target. Bullying even if not that intense and long hurt me deeply when for the first and only time I heard the words ,,You should kill yourself" escape from someone's mouth towards me. It was the start of the decrease in both my mental health and self-esteem. It was such a lonely, sad and stressful year.

3 years ago I started getting better, I hang out with some people in my class but most of all I didn't feel lonely anymore I was appreciating the silence and peace when I was alone. This year my self discovery began and was going well- I knew more about myself and I enjoyed it a lot. I never worried about my grades or tests I always knew I'll get a good grade by just listening during lessons. It was the silence before a storm...

2 years ago since I started a new school my depression really kicked in and I started having many depressive episodes that only made it harder to focuse on studying and added even more stress to my life that I didn't need. It was also the time when I first reached for physical pain as a relief for my struggling self. From that time my memory is getting worse and because of all my problems I'm remembering less and less. All of the new things including the teachers, subjects and people made my anxiety worse and put me even further behind the wall I built around myself.

1 year ago the pain was almost constant and I was self-harming a lot more. I experienced first panic attacks. School was a living hell for me and didn't even leave me enough time in my day to relax even a little bit and I started loosing interest in anything that once was bringing me so much enjoyment and relief. That winter was the hardest period of my life, I was severely depressed and almost had no energy. I couldn't focus at all and that made my grades drop a lot. Every time I was going to sleep I was hoping with my whole heart that I won't wake up in the morning and won't have to go to that awful place.

This year my mental state is inconsistent and my mood changes all the time. There are days where my feelings can change completely in a matter of a few hours. I do my best to stay clean but there are moments where it's physically impossible for me to not do it. I thought I'm getting better but it wasn't true, I'm drifting away from my friends and I don't have any energy to leave the house or see anybody. All the trauma surrounding me all that time finally got to me and I started realising that my life wasn't as good as I thought.

If you asked me now: how is it to fully feel happy with no problems? I would need to think for a long time and still couldn't find the answer but 5 years ago I would have asked ,,Can you feel any other way?"