The worst parts of my day are the meals. When I sit at the table and look at the food on my plate I already think how much I should eat.
I know some people would call it an eating disorder but it's not what I'm feeling.
My body doesn't tell me that I can't eat.
I found some form of comfort that's so dear to me which keeps me alive in especially shitty times. When I feel hopeless and done with life I skip a meal or two or three and I feel somehow just a little bit better. I feel that I have control over that and I'm not loosing it like with the rest of my life.
I can't exactly tell what my relationship with food is- it's not friendship nor hate.
Cravings are the worst. When your mind tells you that you would enjoy that food a lot but the next second discourages you from putting anything else in your mouth for the rest of the day.
And everything begins when I wake up, every day, the same struggle:
Breakfast is the easiest to skip I always sleep in late to just get rid of it without bigger suspicion from my family.
Lunch is harder my only option is to put a small portion on my plate and hopefully leave something uneaten.
Dinner is usually the meal I actually eat to get at least some food in my body so I don't die yet.
When I'm in school everything is much less difficult (excluding life).
In the morning I wake up to give myself perfectly the amount of time to get ready but not for breakfast.
For lunch I'm still in school. I almost never buy myself food when I don't bring it from home and when I do I usually don't eat it and say that I didn't have time.
Dinner is still the only thing I eat and can't actually skip but I still manage to eat as little as possible.
It's a love-hate relationship and I'm not willing to change it. Of course I get a lot of questions about my portions when eating or why I never eat but I can always think of an excuse and make it believable.
YOU ARE READING
The Stories In My Head
Short StoryThe story includes topics of self-harm and suicide!!!! My feelings are getting out of hand so instead of hurting myself I decided to tell stories. Some more or less true but mostly portraying what's going on in my mind.
