Arranged

XIV

" we are angry at other people for not doing what we should have done for ourselves"
- Rupi Kaur

His hand was still wrapped around my wrist.

I turned my head towards him, confused by his response.

Everything was moving in slow motion, and just for a second, the thick fog lifted and I could see his eyes bleeding something different than his usual contempt and abhorrence towards me.

His face was stone as always except his eyes which projected something so foreign to me, I couldn't place a word to describe them.

As quick as he had grabbed me, he released my wrist and took a step back from the bed.

His actions baffled me on more than one accord. where was his shitty comeback? Why was he just standing there looking at me?

After taking a long look at me, Kai turned and walked out of the hospital room. Leaving me to reflect on everything that had just happened.

At first, I felt relieved that he had left.

However, the anger I had felt began to dissipate, and I was then stuck in the hospital bed feeling nothing but guilt and immense sadness.

I couldn't explain even to myself why I was feeling so contrasted to how I should've been feeling in that moment. I should've been glad that he left, relieved that I was finally standing up to him. After all, I'm the one who told him to leave; but I wasn't. I felt the complete opposite.

I replayed everything in my head countless times with each time making me feel more and more drenched in sorrow.

Deep down, I wanted to reach him. Deep deep down in the depths of my heart, I wanted him to understand me.

But pride refused to let me sulk for too long.

He didn't deserve my sadness. He didn't care about me, why shouldn't I feel the same?

I had a perfectly good reason to fly off the handle. He had it coming for everything he had put me through up until now.

This reason was everything he had ever said or done to me rolled up into one giant ball of detest. I was already emotional, he approached me and pointed fingers at the wrong time.

Even though the quiet brought on the loud thrum of my mind, I needed time to myself and personal space to try to recuperate.

My tears had subsided, but everything still felt raw.

I laid in the dark, listening to the monitors beep every second or so.

That time alone made my mind travel to more than just my argument with Kai. I questioned why I ran in front of the bullet without thinking in the first place. Why i'd do such a careless thing for someone I couldn't stand to be around made it hard for me to rationalize everything.

I couldn't blame it on the stupid Bellini, I wasn't feeling tipsy at all. I didn't want to think about the fact that I possibly tried to save Kai because I cared about him. Because I didn't.

At least I didn't think I did.

I didn't know how I felt anymore, the drugs, the pain, and the circumstance kept me confused and disoriented to the events leading up to my hospitalization. The more I thought about it, the more I felt upset and perplexed.

A knock sounded on the door before a tall shadow stepped into the darkness of my room.

"You need some company?"