Arranged

XV

"Depression is silent
You never hear it coming
And suddenly it's
The loudest voice in your head."
- Rupi Kaur

Assuming the knock behind the door belonged to Delia, I didn't bother moving an inch from where I was laying.

She knew what to expect. So did I.

As the door opened, I quickly shot up from my sprawled form on the bed.

It wasn't Delia...

It was Kai.

He stood still in the doorway. He stood rigid, with his forearms pressed up against either side of the door frame and the cracked door. For once, his face wasn't glaring disgustedly back at me, which suddenly made me embarrassed to be under his uncomfortable gaze.

Everything froze for me. I was still angry with him, but just seeing Kai standing in my doorway made all of the bitterness melt for a split second.

I should still be livid with him, I didn't owe him anything, I still wanted to leave but there was something about him admittedly, that still made me wish he truly cared.

He hadn't ever treated me like his fiancé, or better yet a human and had gotten me shot. His constant jabs at my appearance and dress choice dropped my already dwindling self esteem, he never once showed any interest in conversing with me even platonically, and he never so much as kissed me; but I still, deep down, wanted his approval. Maybe it's the internalized misogyny I have against myself, or the desperate need to be loved and accepted by someone but in that moment, no matter how horrible he had treated me, I just wanted him to want me.

The feeling of being unwanted by someone who is supposed to want you burns worse than a thousand knives to the heart. The hole rejection leaves takes forever to be patched up and even then your trust is still held together by a thin string.

A string that would take forever to be strengthened with no promises of repair.

Even though his eyes stabbed through my own, I couldn't look away. His gaze held mine steadfast.

He wasn't unattractive by any standard, in fact, if he smiled slightly more, he'd be undeniably beautiful.

Seeing his face without a complete look of disgust only proved my theory even more.

I knew he was expecting me to speak, but nothing came out of my mouth.

After a few more long seconds of silence, Kai cleared his throat, "I wanted to make sure you were settled back in. Ring the bell if you need anything from Delia. Dinner is off."

He didn't wait for me to respond before he shut the door and left me to replay what he had just said twenty times over in my head.

"Ring Delia if you need anything," I repeated in a mocking tone. Of course he wouldn't come up here on his own to check on me. At least there wouldn't be a meal I'd have to suffer through tonight.

I deserved to be slapped senseless for ever feeling upset about his disapproval of me.

I just couldn't help it.

I touched my shoulder, remembering the ripping pain I had felt that day. As I sat on the edge of my bed, staring at the door where Kai had been just moments before, I thought to myself, would he have done the same for me?

I laid back on the bed. Thinking about Kai sacrificing anything for me seemed like an impossible dream.

~

TRIGGER WARNING mentions of violence from previous chapters reader discretion is advised

The air was thick and heavy as if a wet blanket had been pulled over my head. The darkness was swallowing me with each step I took.