Focused Dreams

Chapter 40

It's like everything just poured out of me, every emotion laced through the words that came out. And when I finished I felt drained, so fucking drained by everything.

I couldn't believe that this was actually happening, just yesterday we were together happy, just one conversation and everything changed. I mean what did I expect she's Lucinda D'Ambrosio the badass mafia leader, she uses and abuses, lies, and cheats, and she doesn't care who she hurts in the process.

Ughh! I want to scream at how dumb I've been, falling for her, for the girl I thought I saw, and the woman I did see. Somehow I still can't believe it, that it's all over, that I'll never see her again. That she'll face Amor alone.

No. No, that's her fault. She's to blame for having to do it alone, if she only trusted me and didn't go behind my back—What would have you done? You would have given her the card? The voice was clear as day and punched me right through the ribs to my heart. Of course, I wouldn't, but not because I didn't trust her with the information but because I didn't want her anywhere near HQ, those evil bastards just waiting to snuff her out and she would have made it so easy for them.

But she didn't, she played it safe and smart. That's the Lucy you know. But she still didn't trust me to do it with her... No, she did. She probably just didn't want you risking her job, because we both know you would have risked it for her.

I shut my eyes, hard. Wanting to shush the voice inside my head, and the pounding of my heart. I left Lucy so I could think this through, so I could know how the fuck I feel about this, and it's officially midnight and I haven't got a clue.

You just need some rest...

'...You'll feel better in the morning, trust me, sweetheart.' It took me a moment but I finally realized that there was no voice in my head, it was just the voice of my parents, who were sitting across from me on the couch in their living room, the shine of pregnancy radiating both of them.

Taking a deep breath, I got myself together, 'I think you're right.' Then I realized that the moment I walked into this living room, tranced and heartbroken, I haven't asked anything about them.

'Anyways,' I cleared through the fog of my emotions and managed a smile, 'How's the baby, how are you guys? I miss you.' I don't know when the last time I saw them was but I sure as hell miss my parents.

'The answer to both questions is fine and we miss you two.' My mom had this smile that said she knew I was changing the subject but she didn't mind because she loved me no matter what. And somehow my thoughts went to Lucy if she ever felt this loved, and that I had made that same promise, that I would love her and that nothing would change that. Sure, I made it to myself but it still counted.

I felt my heart clench and dread pull through me. It hasn't been a day and I already miss her. I know I won't stay mad at her for long, but when I think of going back to her I hurt even more. The sting of betrayal is there, the wound too fresh, I can't get over that she lied to me, at least not yet. Tomorrow. I'll talk to her tomorrow, I silently promised myself.

My parent must have seen the resolve in my posture because both of the suddenly stood up, stretching. 'It's been a long day,' my father starts, 'I'm feeling kind of tired,' my mother says right after him, 'We'll leave you alone.' They both say at the same time. And after that, they share a look, a look of pure devotion mixed with glee in their eyes.

Usually, I love watching them like this, but now I look away, the hurt of almost having that kind of love but losing it before it bloomed into that, surging through my veins and my heart. I took a deep breath and stood up, plastering the best smile I could, 'I'll leave you guys, I'm the houseguest. I'm feeling tired anyway.' And with concerned glances and silent 'Goodnights.' I went to my room.