Finding my lost self

I thought I'll marry this one

It was March.

year 2020.

We were in lockdown, but to be honest I was so happy. I was a junior, and by being online I finally had time for myself. I was watching series after doing my homework all night, go to bed at 4 am and the wake up at 7:59 am. That's the best I could do.

I was also very sad, because I turned eighteen on 18th of March and couldn't celebrate with my friends because we weren't allowed to. I was planning that birthday for over a year, I knew the place/restaurant where I wanted to do it, I knew what dress and shoes i want to wear and I had a guests list. But the pandemic ruined everything for me. Something bad always happens that shuts down the only good thing in my life. With time, you get used to it. So I celebrated my birthday alone in my room listening to Birthday from Anne-Marie and after that I continued watching my series. Yeah, I know, depressing. (I would say the name of the series I watched back then but I forgot the pin code from my netflix account so when I'll remember and enter the account I'll update you for sure)

After 2 days, a guy that I matched with on Tinder texted me. He started with a cheesy, kind of funny pick-up line. I quote:'' What's cooking, good looking?'' I KNOW I LAUGHED TOO, OKAY? But I saw that we were from the same city, (I really don't remember seeing him, like ever) and I decided to give him a shot. I wasn't looking for a relationship at the moment to be honest, as you saw I had downloaded Tinder, so yeah, I just wanted to have some fun, and that was all, at that time I was focusing on myself, watched a lot of series that I always wanted to watch and read psychological books cause I wanted to evolve spiritually and find out what's hiding there, deep down, in my soul.

After a few days of talking on Tinder we moved to Instagram and that's where the magic started to happen. We were finding out more and more about each other with each day passing by, and the beautiful part was that we had so many things in common. It was literally unbelievable, he was all I've ever wanted, imagined. We talked about Harry Potter, because he was a big Harry Potter fan and I told him that I bought all the books, read the first one and also saw a few movies too. (I told him that I was a Harry Potter fan too, but that wasn't true, I said that just because I was into him a lot. But I swear I read the first book.) We had the same taste in music, in series (just one exception, he was watching peaky blinders and I honestly don't like that series) and the same taste in movies. He was complimenting me a lot, he was sensitive, tender, caring, loving, polite and well behaved. I bet you want to know more about him :)) Okay. He was one year older than me (okay, not one year, a few months), he had brown eyes in which I always got lost, because every time I looked into his eyes I could see his pure soul, black hair, taller than me and always smelling good. The eyes are the mirror of the soul, right? Well, I can confirm it's true. And also, he was a very good hugger.

We weren't allowed to leave our houses because of the pandemic , but we always scheduled meetings just to see each other and we were always hiding. He always came with his bike, fit boy :)) I always told my mom that I'm going to buy bread, oh yeah sure, a very handsome bread, right? She realised my tricks soon, and one day when I came home she asked me:''well how's your boyfriend?'' and that's the moment when I told her everything. He came to meet my mom after a while, and then on his mom's birthday I went to his place to meet his family.

God, how much I loved his mom. She was such a sweet lady, kind hearted, beautiful and understanding, also very loving. I loved listening to her, she always gave me the best advices, we were talking about books and she recommended me some of them and also her point of view, her mentality was just out of this world. I was always impressed, she was just perfect and I guess she loved me more than my own mom. She was always giving me food, drinks, clothes, everything you can imagine, and also, when she was going on trips with her family, she always took me with her. (And I never had to pay for anything) I miss her now too, and I think I will text her soon to meet, if she still wants to see me. About his dad, I don't really know what to say, he wasn't that kind like his mom, but he wasn't a bad person, he was just strict, But I loved his jokes tho. And lastly, his sister. She was the most prettiest girl I've ever seen, I loved her style, she had beautiful green eyes, an eye catching body and a personality that most girls would be jealous of. She is evolving into a gorgeous woman, and with those eyes I tell ya, she will be a heartbreaker.And with that angelic face, she will be an unforgettable baddie. You know why? Because she knows her worth, she's confident and she will never settle for less than she deserves. I'm jealous of her, because she has the confidence I'll never have, but I hope I will still meet with her sometimes and she can teach me everything she know, so I can become a better version of myself too. And now take some heels and rock the world girl, because it's yours. Own it with grace. (listen to Ariana Grande- God is a woman)

We celebrated our two months anniversary in another city, and we got there by bus, but after a while we were going everywhere with his car <3 Yeah, I supported him through the process. Through everything. And he did the same. He always bought me flowers, chocolate, jewelry, clothes, make-up, he was the sweetest person on Earth, so perfect that it was almost unreal. I never payed for anything, and yeah, maybe that wasn't right, but when I wanted to do it he didn't let me. He was such a gentleman. Always opening the door for me, respecting me and loving me with all his heart. I loved him too, more than he will ever know. I saw a future with him, I wanted to have his kids, I wanted him to be a part of my life forever. But, how I said, he was too perfect...too perfect to be true.

After a few months, he changed out of nowhere, and not in a good way. This is when our fights began. He wasn't listening to me when I needed it, because he was always starting to talk about his experiences and then I decided to just shut up, when I was mad he was buying me stuff to forgive him but again, that wasn't what I needed and also when I didn't want to see him he was coming to my place and he wasn't leaving until I let him in. Whenever I wanted to break up with him he started talking about suicide and that started to feel like emotional harassment to me already. We had multiple fights, I cried a lot and it was too much for my mental health already. He was also starting to stress me out, like a lot, I was having school, exams, homeworks and he was stressing me out because I didn't give him attention or he thought I got mad. He was also very jealous of the boys I was hanging out with, and when I didn't want to talk with him he was insisting too much, and I got to a point when I was scared to stop talking with him because that way he'll come to my house again. I was literally scared. Scared of him. He was waiting for me in front of my school and my friends covered me to get on the bus.(my boy best friend saw that he's in front of our school on the snap map) That's what was going on already.And also, he started lying to me. Anyway, the point is that our relationship got toxic, very toxic, and my best friend, Ana can confirm that. I'm not saying that I was a saint and everything is his fault because that's not true. I had my part too, I was very mean to him sometimes, very stubborn, and yeah, that's not always good for a relationship. We didn't finish it in good terms, we were both traumatised. 

I will adress this paragraph to the boy who showed me what true love is for the first time, my first serious relationship, my first painful heartbreak: Maybe we needed some time away from each other to grow, evolve and find ourselves again. Because we lost ourselves through this relationship and we were together cause we were scared to be alone and to go through this process by ourselves. I'm sure that, if it's meant to be, we will find each other again. I hope you're happy now, maybe happier than you were with me, but please, don't forget about me. Maybe you remember me as something beautiful that once belonged in your life, or maybe as a lesson. I grateful for meeting you. Thank you for the good moments, precious gifts and unforgettable moments, Thank you for teaching me how to love and showing me how being loved feels like. Thank you for always being there for me, for supporting me, for believing in me and for showing me how precious I am, and for teaching me my worth and how to love myself. You teached me a lot of things. I miss you sometimes. I hope you're doing okay, and I know you will achieve big things. I'm here if you'll ever need a shoulder to cry on. someone to listen to you, or if you'll need advice. I'll be here, waiting.