The Heart In Your Bones

11

I wish I were to die. In a quiet, yet subtle way. I would want people to find my body, maybe in a sea floating along peacefully. I would want to be buried, I do not want to hurt anyone anymore.

I would just be alone.

I wouldn't have the need to worry about my body if it were just bones.

I used to fear death. Romen used to say, "I will never be able to live in a world where you are not breathing, my heart would forever hurt. The world needs your heart to spin." He was laughing at the moment but suddenly stopped and looked me in the eyes. "I'm serious Ellie. You're my best friend, don't ever die."

But things change. He's nothing to me now— and I'm nothing to him. I do not fear death as much as I await it.

"Hey, Elle." A voice said, but I was too weak to even move. "I'm going to work now." She sat beside me and rubbed my back. "Ro is going to stay here." Auntie sighed standing up.

I felt frozen.

"I know you're feeling bad but I made you a sandwich, please just try and eat it. I'll try and talk to your brother." She ran her hand through her hair. "Love you." Auntie sighed and closed the door.

I'm not sure what time it is, I'm not even sure if I slept. The room is very much unlike my normal one, it's completely dark. I wish my room was like this, but Mom would flip.

I close my eyes, and my thoughts disappear. I fell asleep.

Romen;

"Wake up you punk." That was the first thing I heard all morning. My back ached as I quickly rose. "Auntie?"

"I need you to stay here and watch Elle. I made her a sandwich and cut up some fruit. At about—" Auntie looked at her watch. "1 pm bring the food and water to her room, do not stay she'll feel uncomfortable. You got it?"

"Yeah." I stood, and all signs of sleep dissipated from my body. "How long—"

"I'm not sure. Her mother finally told me what was going on after I hadn't seen her in a while." Auntie grabbed her bag. "See you later punk."

How couldn't I have noticed the signs. Arielle's mental breakdown's , Matthew insisting she ate, the fact that she needed a babysitter the insecurity, it's all making since now.

I think I would've pieced it together a lot sooner if I didn't try to ignore it. Ignore the fact the girl I knew almost my entire life was slowly killing herself because I chose Marie.

I find it unsettling that I had no knowledge of what anorexia really was. But now Arielle had it, so I had to research.

I began plotting down notes. And I can't help but remember that she had shown all of the following signs and symptoms before we stopped being friends.

Did this sickness start because of the bullying? She told me to not tell anyone, or not to act on it. She had cried when I tried to confront them. I have always hated seeing her cry. So I stopped.

I know I will forever regret that.

Just 46% of people who have had this sickness recovered, 33% are still trying to improve, and 20% remain chronically ill, and once I figured that out, it felt sick.