Pulling My Weight

Chapter 24 || Trial I

Once the surprise of the upcoming trials wore off and they were caught up on the charges pressed against Danzo and the bare bones of the operation Ibiki and Tsunade had been running right under everyone's noses, things... relaxed a bit. Kakashi got into a battle of wills with Yuki, Shikaku took over entertaining Kei, and Anko dutifully went to help Eri-san in the kitchen, after a unanimous decision that everyone feared Anko in the kitchen far less than they feared Anko with a baby. Then, Sakura finally found the time to seek out Inoichi.

The man noticed her coming and stood up, and Sakura quietly led him to the guest bedroom which was sometimes her and Genma's when they were babysitting Kei or too lazy to leave after dinner at the Namiashi household. Once they sat down on the double bed, Sakura sighed, and Inoichi chuckled.

"Tough week, hm?" he offered, not unkindly, and Sakura couldn't quite hold back the snort.

"Week. Mm. Tough month? Year, really." She shrugged, then fell back on the bed with another sigh. "My head's a bit of a mess, Inoichi-san. And I... lost control. With Sasuke, I mean. I never meant– I didn't mean to let it go that far. I wanted to bring him back, just to put this whole affair to an end, and maybe I did want to hurt him, just a little... but not like that."

No shit. Inoichi thought darkly, but refrained from voicing that particular thought. Instead, he hummed and leaned back on his hands, looking up at the ceiling in thought, but before he could speak, Sakura continued, quieter than a whisper this time. "But... I don't regret it."

Inoichi paused, then nodded slowly. "...That's understandable. Is there anything you can identify as a trigger to your behaviour?"

Sakura took a deep breath and thought. This part was familiar. This part she could do. But this also meant telling Inoichi what even Tsunade didn't know the full extent of.

"Senpai's coma was a poorly-handled trigger." She admitted, then closed her eyes and tried to relax. "Naruto's return. The idea of Team 7 coming back together – it's something a small, naïve part of my brain still wants, this idyllic relationship with my genin team, but then... I like what I've built for myself, and going back to them would be sacrificing that. Then there was Shikamaru's... loss. And then... when Genma and I fought Deidara." She felt more than saw Inoichi snap to attention. "Genma's gotten good at barrier seals, but the tag he used was an old model. He'd tethered it to his own chakra. It was going to suck him dry for nothing, because Deidara wasn't incapacitated, just trapped. So I... tampered with it."

She kept her eyes closed, even as she heard Inoichi draw a sharp breath. "I know Genma. Inside and out, I know his chakra, his thought process, the way he approaches fuinjutsu like it's a dance rather than a set of orders. It wasn't difficult to alter the seal even with the barrier already up. All I did was switch the energy source, from Genma's chakra to... to the natural chakra around us." Inoichi's sudden silence meant more than any words he could've said. "Deidara blew himself up. He committed suicide. The barrier held. But... when we got back... all the life force of the area of forest I had extended the seal to had been drained. Trees, grass, flowers, animals – all dead. And I... it grated at me more than anything I have done as a Konoha shinobi so far. More than any of the lives I've taken. And I don't understand why."

To his credit, Inoichi managed to limit his reaction to a small tremor in his voice. "Do you not understand, or do you just not want to admit it to yourself? I won't judge you, Sakura-chan."

Sakura grit her teeth and sat up, then levelled the blond with a serious stare, brimming with fear and confusion and a trace of disgust. "Because I felt like I was playing god." She admitted, voice wobbling, eyes filling with unbidden tears. "Shinobi do impossible things on a daily basis – we command the elements, walk upside down, summon sentient animals and have them follow our command – we do things civilian children read about in fairy tales. But that... there are still limits to what we can or what we should be able to do. And that was so far beyond that limit, I couldn't–!... I reminded myself of those I hate most. Shinobi who've engaged in something unnatural. And yet, what I did... that was more than unnatural, and for equally selfish reasons. I messed with natural energy, Inoichi-san. And how does that make me anything other than an enormous hypocrite?"