Miss you even when I'm with you

3

Dongju snuggled against Leedo's chest, tracing the length of his fine strong arms. His boyfriend watched him fondly, keeping silent. The small boy was his world. And he was holding him tight between his arms. Never letting go.

The younger one eventually said in a whisper, although they were alone in their shared room, "I really loved the way you held me yesterday night." Leedo did not react. "I felt so loved."

Dongju kissed him gently on the neck, and Leedo remained immobile. He was trying hard not to let anything show. How annoyed, how angry, how outraged he was becoming. Because he had not been the one holding him the previous night. He had switched with Geonhak, who had apparently held back from telling him he had made the most of sleeping in the same bed as Dongju.

Slowly, very slowly, attempting not to squeeze Dongju too harshly because of his tension, Leedo kissed the boy's head and left the room. He needed to channel his murderous feelings. Away from his lover.

The living-room was quiet except for Hwanwoong, shirtless as usual, contracting his muscles in front of the large mirror. Leedo had wanted to be alone, and, somehow, his friend's mere presence was enough to irritate him.

"How do I look, hyung?" Hwanwoong asked hopefully, showing him his right arm. "Didn't I get more muscular?"

Leedo grimaced, unable to restrain his boiling anger. "If anything, you've gained fat."

Hwanwoong stood gaping at him, and eventually looked down, retreating silently to his and Seoho's room. Leedo knew he had hurt him severely, but he needed to be alone so he could calm down.

His rage was all but rational. He knew his brother and Dongju had only held one another, something Geonhak barely could have helped and had definitely not enjoyed. Yet his body felt like burning, as though it wanted to reaffirm its claim on Dongju.

Leedo sat on the sofa, his head between his hands, and chased away the mental picture of his twin against Dongju's frail body, holding him in his place. He could not help being jealous. Because Geonhak had always had everything. Because he had always been the favourite twin. Because his music band, and Dongju, was the first thing Leedo had had for his own. And Leedo would not give that up. Not even for his brother.

The precious thought of his members and of his boyfriend rocked Leedo back to reality and his breathing seemed steady again. He sighed, and took his phone out, losing his consciousness into social media.

He eventually opened his notepad, in which he had saved some of the song lyrics he had composed for Dongju's birthday. He read through them slowly, checking everything was fit. He needed to think deeply not to go back to his wild ruminations.

He changed one or two words in one song, the one he thought Dongju would like best. The one he had poured his heart into.

"What's that? I like the lyrics," someone said behind Leedo.

He started and his phone dropped. He jerked his hand forward to retrieve it fast, locking the screen and hiding the song away. Keonhee was looking at him with a bright smile from behind the couch.

"Keonhee-yah!" Leedo muttered, annoyed. "It's nothing, mind your own business."

"Come on, I saw that you wrote something. Is it for me?"

"Why would it be for you?" Leedo said unimpressed.

"Then it's for Dongju-yah." Leedo opened his mouth. Then closed it again. Damn, Keonhee was good. "Why isn't any of us aware that you're writing a song for Dongju-yah?"

"Shut your mouth," the other one hissed. "It's supposed to be a secret. Surprise birthday gift. I'm making him a whole album."

"Album?" Keonhee gaped. "How do you even find the time? You're always with us." He stopped to pause and then came to a realisation. "Oh. That's where Geonhak-hyung comes in, right."

"Right. Now don't tell anyone."

"Why does everybody thinks I'm going to tell?" Keonhee whined. "The situation's too good to spoil. Your secret's safe with me. Plus, it's nice to get a less grumpy version of you from time to time."

Leedo grunted. That side comment was not exactly pleasant. He did not need yet another reminder that everyone liked Geonhak better than him — he had had that all their childhood.

As Keonhee was walking to the kitchen, the rest of the members got out of their bedrooms for breakfast, except for Hwanwoong, who was supposedly still brooding in he and Youngjo's room.

Leedo ate well, trying to recover from his long days which simply drained him. He finished Dongju's plate and kissed him on the nose to thank him. At the end of the meal, Youngo turned to the youngest and asked, "Dongju-yah, your birthday is in a few days. Do you want to do anything special? I think they'll give us a day off."

The small boy shrugged, squeezing his boyfriend's arm which he was clinging to, and mumbled shyly, "No, nothing special."

However, he immediatey glanced at Leedo in a barely disguised expectant way, which had the rapper smile fondly. Dongju was the most adorale person he had ever met in his life, and he would give his world for him — he was already giving him his world.

He could not wait for Dongju to receive his birthday gift. With Geonhak's help, it would be Dongju's most memorable birthday.