Miss you even when I'm with you

5

"Okay, go."

Leedo frowned at Youngjo who was sitting in the studio and pressing a button for music to play. "What?" he said, raising an eyebrow.

"Sing!" Youngjo explained, stopping the music, and playing it again from the beginning.

This time, Leedo pressed the button himself to stop the music. "Why would I sing? You know I can't."

"Yes, you can! You did yesterday, in the shower. It was incredible. I really had no idea you could sing."

"Because I can't," Leedo repeated, annoyed.

Youngjo rolled his eyes and played the music again. "Sing," he ordered more firmly.

Leedo grunted and muttered some angry "Alright" before trying to sing. But only false notes came out. He could see that Youngjo was disappointed. He eventually stopped the music after a few attempts.

"Told you," Leedo said. "I'm a rapper."

"But I heard you," the composer replied stubbornly. "Hwanwoong did, too. You know what, let's go back, it's useless staying here."

They went back to the dorm, where Seoho and Dongju were watching TV while Hwanwoong was lifting small weights. He stopped dead when Leedo entered the room, and started staring at the big screen instead, visibly upset.

"I don't understand," Youngjo repeated. "We heard you sing, and now you can't."

"Drop it, will you?" Leedo mumbled, trying to get to the part of the sofa where Dongju was sitting.

"Youngjo-hyung's right," Hwanwoong suddenly said. Leedo raised an eyebrow. That was the first time in days that Hwanwoong had actually talked in his presence. He had been avoiding him quite explicitly.

Their eyes met. Hwanwoong's were both sad and angry. "There's something weird about you, it's true. You've been yes and then no for the past few weeks." He approached them and tilted his head. Now he was more angry than sad. "What's your problem?"

Seoho got up, sensing the tension, and met Youngjo's alerted eyes briefly. But Leedo was already set on. "I've been myself," he said flatly. "If you don't like who I am then fuck off, Hwanwoong."

The smaller boy was taken aback by his violent, crude words and his face distorted for a second, before he turned around and headed for his room. Dongju had rushed into Seoho's arms, apparently afraid of his boyfriend's harsh, unfair comment. He was on the verge of tears and was looking at Leedo as though he were a monster.

"This time you're going too far, Leedo-yah. Apologise now," Seoho hissed, petting Dongju's hair.

Leedo rolled his eyes, infuriated, and chose to leave the dorm rather than comply. He had done nothing wrong. He was simply tired of everyone assuming he was somebody else, somebody better than him, who was nice to his friends no matter what, who could sing and who was so damn perfect.

He went for a walk in a nearby park. But it hardly abated his rage. He eventually resolved to give his brother a call, although seeing the reason for his misery may not be the best solution.

But when he saw Geonhak trotting towards him through the grass, he smiled and knew all he needed was help from the one who knew him better than anyone else.

Geonhak held him for a minute. They rarely hugged — Leedo hated it. But this time, it soothed him. To let everything go. To have someone else be in charge.

He explained to his brother how he had lost control, how he got angry because of all this pressure over this stupid surprise birthday gift. "I should've never asked you to do this. But we can hardly go back, can we?" Leedo said weakly as they were sitting on a bench.

"We should tell them everything," Geonhak said after much pondering.

"Are you crazy? After all our efforts? We're nearly there!"

"Why is it so hard for you to tell them the truth? To tell them about your own brother?" Geonhak was beginning to get impatient and annoyed.

Leedo remained mute for a moment. Then he said slowly, "Because I'm... afraid. I know they'll like you better than me. They already do. I don't want to become your shadow again. I'm already growing fainter and fainter everyday. And I think they're starting to dislike me. What I did to Hwanwoong..."

Geonhak started when he heard the boy's name. "Hwanwoong?" he repeated tensely. "What did you do to Hwanwoong?"

Leedo looked up, surprised. He did not think his brother would pick up on that bit. "Huh? Oh, nothing, I think I said something he didn't like. I did provoke him a bit. He hates me for sure now."

Geonhak clenched his fists and closed his eyes for a moment. "Let me go back." Leedo frowned. His twin opened his eyes again and pleaded, "I'll go back to the dorm and make everything right again. I'll talk to Hwanwoong. I'll talk to them and it'll be back to normal. It'll be like I never came. Please."

Leedo did not say anything but Geonhak took this for an answer.