Miss you even when I'm with you

4

Geonhak pushed the door of the dorm with a sigh — here he was again, covering for his twin brother Leedo. He did not know how long he would be able to take this. But he was used to doing everything his brother told him.

And his brother had told him to stay away from his boyfriend Dongju. So Geonhak put his backpack on the sofa and got himself some juice out of the fridge and settled on a stool. He heard a door open and saw Hwanwoong get out of the bedroom he shared with Youngjo.

"Oh, hi there," he said with a big friendly smile. He was truly happy to see him.

But the smaller boy stopped dead, gaped at Geonhak out of embarrassment, or anger perhaps, and slowly got back to his room. Geonhak frowned. Why was Hwanwoong refusing to see him — or, rather, to see Leedo? He wondered what had happened and what his brother had possibly done.

He did not have much time to think as Seoho and Dongju were getting out of their respective bedrooms, not quite awoken yet. Seoho settled at the table, vaguely waving at Geonhak, and Dongju went in for a hug.

Geonhak grimaced, remembering his brother's threat not to get too close, and quickly pulled back. Dongju seemed a bit surprised but bent in for a kiss on the lips, and the other boy avoided the contact.

"What is it?" the youngest pouted, clearly disappointed.

"Nothing. Not in the mood," Geonhak mumbled. Dongju looked down, deeply hurt, and tried to sit on Geonhak's lap, but he was pushed away gently. "Look, can you sit at the table, just for this morning?" he added softly, trying not to sound too embarrassed.

Dongju's big eyes filled with tears and he asked sadly, "You don't want me anymore?"

From the corner of his eyes, Geonhak noticed that Seoho was now watching them closely. From his few stays at the dorm, he had gathered that Seoho was very protective of his members, especially their maknae. He would clearly bite if Geonhak ever attempted to hurt Dongju.

But Geonhak thought about Leedo's rage when he had smelled his boyfriend's cologne on him, about his menace, too, and he cared definitely more about his brother than whatever Seoho could say or do.

"I just want to be alone today," he muttered in a low voice. He hated to lie.

"Without me?"

"Yes. That's what 'alone' means, Dongju-yah."

He regretted this the moment he said it. But he had thought it would sound categorical.

Seoho got up from the table and approached Geonhak who was still on his stool. He was wearing purple pyjamas but he remained quite threatening all the same. The older boy's face was torn with anger.

"You don't get to talk to him like that."

Dongju pulled on Seoho's arm, trying to drag him back. "Hyung, it's okay, he didn't mean it..."

"Oh, he did," Seoho replied sharply, shrugging Dongju off him. He turned back towards Geonhak. "Apologise," he demanded in a booming voice. "Now."

Geonhak tried to remain calm but he felt increasingly bad about being mean to Dongju. He was simply not this type of person. But what could he do? Let Dongju kiss him and get beaten to death by his own brother?

"Don't I have the right to be alone?" he said flatly.

"You don't have the right to speak to anyone like you did. Especially not your boyfriend."

They heard a door open. Suddenly, Youngjo and Keonhee were in the living-room, looking worried. Keonhee quickly analysed the situation, narrowing his eyes at Geonhak and glancing at Dongju and Seoho.

"What's happening here?" Youngjo asked calmly.

"Leedo's being a jerk to Dongju-yah," Seoho mumbled. "I'm asking him to apologise."

Youngjo sighed, already annoyed with his members, and Keonhee stepped in, getting closer to Geonhak. "Okay, okay, is this really necessary? Leedo's probably being grumpy like usual, no big deal."

Seoho watched him for a minute, and turned back towards Geonhak. "Don't talk to Dongju-yah like that ever again." He reached for the youngest boy's hand and whispered gently, "Come."

They went to Seoho's bedroom, and Dongju threw a last heartbroken look at Geonhak before closing the door. Geonhak internally swore — he hated to hurt people. By his side, Keonhee was watching him worriedly and Youngjo was already helping himself to some coffee.

"Are you alright?" Keonhee whispered, concerned. "I didn't know it was you today."

"Yeah, last minute call." Geonhak sighed, still tense. "Look, I'll have a shower, I need to think about something else. And escape Dongju and Seoho, if possible."

Keonhee nodded, informing him in a murmur that Leedo's towel was the red one, and Geonhak locked himself up in the bathroom. Finally on his own, he let the hot water flow on his body and make him forget about the morning altercation.

He felt he could not take this role play anymore. If Keonhee had not known their secret, if he had not helped him, Geonhak would be arguing with Seoho and Dongju by now, perhaps jeopardising Leedo's relationship with his boyfriend. And that was the last thing he wanted to do. Why was it so difficult just to sit there and impersonate his twin brother?

Geonhak emptied his head, tried to think about everything but his brother and his friends, and started to sing one of his favourite songs. He got slowly immersed into it — he had not sung for some time now, but still felt so much joy doing it. He reached some high note, although his normal voice was normally quite low, and began the chorus for the last time.

He had not noticed his voice had become so loud until someone banged on the bathroom door and he stopped. He got out of the shower, covered himself with Leedo's red towel and opened the door.

"Yeah?" he asked, perplexed and still completely wet, as Youngjo was standing in front of the door, visibly elated.

"You can sing," Youngjo pointed out calmly, although he was smiling.

"I— Hum, well, I wouldn't call that 'sing'..."

"You can sing," he repeated, "and you have a wonderful voice. Why did you never tell us?"

Geonhak scratched his head with the hand that was not holding his towel. "I'm not that good, you know..."

"I know what I heard," Youngjo said dissmissively. "Come on, let's try and record that." He gestured towards the dorm door.

"You— You mean, right now? In the studio?" Geonhak's voice had trembled anxiously. If he was in the dorm, that meant Leedo was in the studio. And Youngjo turning up there would mess everything up — more than Geonhak had already done.

"Yeah," the oldest member said, "we need to get the most of your voice. Can you imagine what great songs we could do with that?"

"Look, hum, can't this wait?" Geonhak said quickly. "I'm so sorry, I've got a tight schedule today, and I don't think my voice is at its best right now... I promise you I'll be there tomorrow."

Youngjo detailed the naked boy who was shaking both because of the sudden cold and his anxiety. He shrugged and nodded in the end. "Tomorrow. 8AM. In the studio."

"Perfect! Hum, remind me tonight, okay?"

Youngjo frowned but consented. Now Geonhak was screwed.