crimson clovers

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The thought of grieving someone who isn't actually dead had always been a weird concept to Anthony. He had never full understood why or even how people were capable of feeling such a strong feeling and emotions towards something that wasn't even entirely gone yet; if it hurt so bad shouldn't that have been a sign not to be away from them?

He remembered vividly the pain he felt when he has lost his grandmother; just knowing that he would never see her again, never hear her voice, never feel her arms around him. Nothing could ever compare to that feeling, and he thought it was almost insensitive that people could and would treat a simple breakup as if it was something so severe.

Anthony had truly never thought he would feel as much pain as he did then again, he almost thought it would be impossible too. He had no one else in his life he could miss, which in a way was probably a good thing since it would inevitably help him avoid the pain of loosing someone all over again.

He really did not think anything could ever compare to that loss, but Anthony seemed to constantly be contradicted by his own thoughts.

Leaning back against the couch, he pulled the loose blanket closer to his body, his eyes still staring blankly at whatever was playing on the tv ahead of him; he didn't have enough energy to care or even focus on what it was. His phone lay on silent next to him, the bowl of untouched food sitting on the table ahead, slowly growing colder.

It had only been two months, fifty-five days to the beginning exact, but it sure as hell felt like a lot longer since he had left everything behind. The night he had walked out into the street while it rained, when he pathetically stood there for a few minutes silently hoping that he would be followed out, and then finally making his way home along in the dark.

He guessed in a way he was grieving, deeply grieving the relationship he had lost. The trust and the love was hard to build, and to have that completely turned on him was something he couldn't really come back from just yet. Anthony had put everything he had into the two of them, and Five had just disregard it as if it had been nothing.

Anthony wasn't just grieving the relationship, but also the person that he had thought he had known better than anyone else. The person he thought Five was, the person he had trusted with his life and gave absolutely everything to.

As much as it hurt and as much as he hated the fact that he was sitting at home alone right now, he had done everything in his power to not give in to the man that technically was his husband. Five had tried so many times to reach out, whether it was to make sure he was okay or trying to talk about it, Anthony only pushed him further away every time.

He leaned his head down slightly, his hand reaching for his phone and sighing as he looked at the screen that lit up. Anthony had been ignoring it for the past hour, but it wasn't stopping yet.

I know you're ignoring me
Answer me
This is Five by the way
I lost my shoe
Are you alive?
Oh God please don't be dead
[ seen 11:55pm ]

Anthony huffed slightly as he tossed his phone roughly across the room, letting it bounce off of the wall and land with a thud onto the floor. He had gone past the point of caring, and a big part of him had hoped it had completely shattered, at least that way everything that tied him to Five would be gone forever; all of their messages, the voicemails he still listened to sometimes, the photos, the videos, everything would be gone.

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