Intricate: The Beginning of Us| MARKNOMINHYUCK(bxbxbxb)

26: Selfless and selfish

Jaemin

Awkward is an understatement of a way to describe the atmosphere at the moment. We've been quiet for the past 10 minutes and I don't know whether to speak or wait for him to take the step.

We're sitting next to each other on the bench on the porch of my house. I try to distract myself, tracing every detail of my front yard in my mind. My right leg is bopping up and down, my hands clammy, and my bottom lip is secured between my teeth.

I clear my throat. "Mark-Hyung," I call out, glancing at him.

"Yeah?" He asks, still looking forward into the empty street.

"Do you wanna say something or..?" Or can I explain everything to you.

"I... I just want to know why it's so complicated," he says turning to face me. "You said you liked me. Why can't we be together?" His voice didn't have as much hurt as before. Now, his voice was full of genuine confusion.

"Hyung, do you know what the term polyamorous means?" I look at his face. His eyebrows knitted together and his lips pressed together into a thin line, the confusion being represented. He slowly shakes his head after thinking. I take a deep breath before continuing, "Being polyamorous means to be in a relationship with more than one person." I take a second to look at his face but it was blank. There was no knowing what he was thinking. Whether he was disgusted, confused, or just simply okay with the new information. "I... I'm polyamorous. As in, I have the desire to be in a relationship with more than one person. I like more than one person. I want to be with more than one person. That's why it's complicated, Hyung."

There was a moment of silence just like before. Each passing second made me more anxious. I was ready for what he had to say, I convinced myself... but was I really?

"So... you like someone else other than me is what you're saying," he states quietly.

I nod. "That's why I can't just be in a relationship with you, Hyung. It would feel unfair to you. My heart... it isn't just beating for one person like any other human. It's beating for three right now. I... don't think that's fair to you if we were to go out." My voice was wavering more by the second, unable to control my feelings.

More silence. I could almost see Mark-Hyung processing everything. I could understand him, it wasn't something he heard every day. I wouldn't blame him if he just stood up and left right now.

I glance at him. He hasn't even moved an inch. He's just thinking, a lot, I would add. But he hasn't left. He waited for me to explain and he waited for himself to understand, I'm grateful for that. If I were in his position, I would've become so overwhelmed by the information that I would have stood up and walked away. But Mark-Hyung is different. He thinks before he acts and he thinks everything through. He also takes into account what others felt. He probably knew how I would feel if he just stood up and left. He's selfless, that's the way to describe him.

"Jaemin-ah," he calls out. I almost flinch at the sudden voice that brought me out of my thoughts. I turn to look at him to see that he was already looking my way. "What if... what if I was willing to try?" He asks, now turning his head to look at me. My heart started to beat faster at what he just said.

"W- what?" Out of everything I expected to come out of this conversation, this was never an outcome I imagined. It was a hope but never a possibility.

I sigh. "You can't just say that, Hyung. A polyamorous relationship is all about equality and trust. I've spent two years coming to terms that I like these three boys the same way and that if I were to have them by my side, the way it would make me feel to see them together. When I imagine it, I become happy. Seeing them kiss and hug and having a lovely time. How do you feel about me being with someone else?" I question, turning to look at him.

"I can make an effort. If it's someone that I can come to like, then that's okay. You can tell me who the other two are, maybe?" His face showed desperation and it made me feel guilty. Am I worth that?

"Hyung, I'm not worth that," I mumble.

"But you are, Jaemin," he takes my hand into his hold, placing it on top of my lap. I look at them intently. I like this boy so much, that's why I can't do this to him.

"What if it doesn't work out? What if I'll always have my eyes on someone else besides you? Would you really be okay with that?"

"I know what I'm getting myself into," he replies confidently, there was no hint of doubt. "In the future, if there's anyone to blame it would be me and only me. I'm not really the jealous type so I'll be okay, I promise." He takes his hand off mine only to cup my face in both his hands. My eyes stayed down, unable to make eye contact. "Jaemin, look at me. Please?"

I look up. He was smiling at me with so much reassurance. My heart sped up and my breath nearly hitched at the sight in front of me. He's beautiful, he's everything that anyone would want, he's perfect. Does that make me selfish? To want more when I already have him?

"Are you sure Hyung?" I ask weakly. I was giving in and I hated it. I know that one of us was meant to be hurt by this.

"I'm sure," he grins widely, his eyes sparkling. I tear up at the simple sight of him.

He leans forward and kisses my cheek tenderly, so many emotions being transmitted. I couldn't help but let a tear slip out of one of my eyes.

I knew one of us is meant to get hurt.

A/N: If anyone sees anything incorrect with what was said in this chapter please please point it out! I tried to word it the best as possible from what I understand but if I worded or wrote something wrong then I would really appreciate if you pointed it out. I checked multiple times online to see if what I was saying was right but I feel like somehow I wrote it wrong. Please help me out if you see something that was described wrong, etc.