Heat

A punch in the gut

Have you ever been hit so hard in the solar plexus that all the air leaves your body? So hard that all you can do is drop to the floor in agony - you can't breathe, you can't think, you can't function.

Dave didn't strike me - but it feels like he could have.

My dad wanted to end his own life

I wonder how long he was planning it.

He might have done it except he's a Thompson and we tend to fuck the important things up - who else would have an accident on the way to killing themselves?

I'd laugh, that dark laugh you laugh when you should cry, but I've lost the ability to function while this new revelation sinks in.

I was sideswiped by the accident but strangely this makes more sense to me.

"He's been saying goodbye to us and preparing us," I say, it's not a question - it's a statement of fact. I look up at my brother who nods and I know he's had the same thoughts. Nathan is quiet but I can see him thinking.

"After losing his memory before Christmas and forgetting who I was, he was so lost and distraught and yet by Christmas day he seemed back in control, so controlled. How could I not see that? How could I not realise he'd made this decision?

"The same way I didn't, we were just happy to have our dad back Megsy," he says.

"He'd mentioned the Boxing Day trip for months hoping we'd organise it for him. He organised the fishing trip. That speech on Christmas day.........."

"Yep," Dave says matter-of-factly and now Nathan nods. This morning wasn't random, it wasn't sudden, he'd been thinking about it for ages obviously. He'd decided that when the time was right he was going out on his own terms. I couldn't say I agreed with him and to be honest - the day before new years eve didn't seem great timing.

"Did he even think of us? What this would to do us?" I said and i'm starting to sound angry which surprises me but I think it's the right emotion - I'm allowed to feel angry now because this was selfish and my dad was never selfish.

"He was trying to save us the pain of watching him slowly ebb away," Dave says ever to the point.

"By killing himself on a fucking public holiday - well I hope he'd made the arrangements first because it will be murder trying to get anything organised now," I say and as the words come out of my mouth I laugh at the absurdity of them. The dark laugh, the Australian laugh - making light of a situation to cope with it. Dave and Nate laugh too.

"Bloody hell this is fucked up!" Nathan says shaking his head. I take his hand and squeeze it.

"Yep, you can say that again," I say quietly because it is and because we don't know what to feel - emotions are swinging wildly and we're all lost.

I turn to Dave who has gone quiet again, this must be tough for him. It was his land, his tractor and he was with dad after it happened. He took mum's call and he's had the council PR release a statement for the family (rather than going through Stuart and raise attention that those two don't need. I wonder if the pressure of staying in the closet is taking its toll on them).

Dave is a tough man but all this has stretched him to the limit.

"So who else knows about the note?" I ask quietly.

He sighs and runs his hand through his quickly diminishing hair. Sun is glistening off the sweat beads on his forehead. It's shaded here in this little courtyard, but make no mistake it's still an oven when you are out of the airconditioning and there is still no discernible sign of it breaking - despite threats from clouds and weather bureau boffins.

Dave wipes the sweat off his brow and looks at me thoughtfully . I wonder what he's thinking.

"Mum, of course and Martin - I rang him straight away," he answers slowly. It doesn't surprise me that he'd tell Martin, he's the local police sergeant and an old mate of Dave's.

"Trish and George and Mal next door - I had to warn them of what they might find and Doctor D obviously so Di probably knows," he said.

"Trish rang the Doc and got him to mum straight away while I rang the neighbours and rallied the troops."

I had hoped that it would be one or two people, part of me doesn't want anyone to know that dad was contemplating this. If he dies now it won't be at his own hand, it's a tragic accident.

Am I saving dad's good name protecting him from some sort of stigma??? Or just looking to save myself, Dave, Scott, Di, from embarrassment. Mmm I don't know - I don't know that any of that matters.

People drop to their lowest ebb sometimes and my dad is a proud man, he wouldn't want to be a burden on any of us. I don't condone it though I can't - imagine if Nathan or Mark had found him?

"How did you know where to look - have you read the note?" I asked - god what would that be like.

"Yeah I have," he says slowly giving me a wary look.

"He said he was going to a quiet place - I had a hunch he meant our old fig tree," he says.

"But I wasn't sure..."

His voice is quite clipped and I know suddenly he's hiding something.

"Did he say why he chose now?" I ask - I think I want to know everything, I think I want to read this note for myself, I want to see his justification. I want to understand why? Why now? Why, why, why.

"What did the note say Dave?"

He looks a little taken aback - he should have expected it, our family is nothing if not blunt and to the point and persistent to the point of annoyance.

"It's not my note - not my place to tell you Megsy - it won't do you any good to know," he says quietly.

And you know I'm not going to let it go now he's said it won't do me any good. I have to know, it has to happen.

"Tell me Dave - please," my face must have a steely determined look because he nods albeit reluctantly.

"He said good bye and told mum that he would love her and us forever but that he didn't want to be a burden and he had made peace with his life. He said he was confident he could leave now," he says slowly.

"He was confident that we would all be okay..........." he fades off.

I take a big breath and ask why. He looks reluctant still.

"Don't push this Meg - he just thought it was time."

I stand up abruptly and stare down on him - he can't stop there - he can't, I won't let him.

"Dave please," I beg, I'm the annoying little sister now but I'm a dog with a bone - I'm a terrier. More than that I know he really doesn't want to tell me and it scares the shit out of me.

"He said he had worried about you and Scott but after talking with Tom yesterday and hearing how much he had fallen for you so quickly and how he would watch over both of you, he knew you'd be okay. He knew it was okay to leave now because Tom had convinced him he'd be there."

My eyes widen.

"What the fuck Dave?" I say loudly in total disbelief, shaking my head trying to take this in, trying to rationalise something that can't be rationalised. That just can't....god to hell..............god.

It takes me a minute to regain my ability to speak. I'm reeling. Still reeling

"My dad decided to kill himself because of Tom?" I say in a small voice as I hear a noise behind me and turn to see Doctor Derek put a supportive hand on my ashen-faced boyfriend's shoulder.

"Your dad's out of surgery guys - they want to see us up stairs," Derek says but I barely take it in.