Another vent. I'm so sorry. Please do not read if you have very bad body insecurity or have have problems with the topic eating and stuff or do it's your thing! But just please be careful!!
I'm hungry, again, even tho I ate six hours ago (it's midnight right now). Why am I hungry again? I feel like I should stock food in my room, but why? CHILDHOOD TRAUMA AHEAD HERE!!!!
Therapist: why do you feel like you constantly have to eat/stock food?
Me: well because, my parents used to take away my rights for food when I was younger.
Therapist: and why would your parents do something like that??
Me: oh, whenever I did something they didn't like they had punishments! And one of them was taking my rights to food away. I guess that's why I stock my food. But that's normal tho!
Therapist: it's not normal to have such a fear of not having food, how far did the food stocking go?
Me: sometimes I found rotting food in my room when I was cleaning because of the stocking.
END FOR NOW
WELL SHIT. I have tould not even my fucking friends about this! Only my siblings (I guess Also parents cus ye) and my Therapist know about this. And now it's here. I feel horrible for always needing food near me. It does not help at all when someone asks why I eat so much. Because then I feel like not eating at all. I once tould my friends that I had not eaten for like 3 days because I forgot/didn't want to eat after my grandma said something about me.
Conversation between my grandma and me
Grandma: oh where are you guys (my family and i) going?
Me: oh we are going to a restaurant!
Grandma: Oh you should really watch what you eat! Your getting fatter girl!
Me: *holding back tears* Haha yea
END
My friends got mad at me, forst me to eat, and then never talked about it again. Yr thanks for forcing me to eat because whenever you do that I feel like throwing up! GREAT THANK U! I know they are just trying to help but I tould them befor that I don't want to be forced to eating by my parents because it makes me feel sick and all.
We have a room in our houses basement where we store food so it is cold and doesn't go bad. And this is where I'm sitting right now. My stomach hurts. I feel very sick. I want to eat! But I should really not, because according to people around me I should really lose weight because
1. Ew you have stretch marks!
2. Your fat
3. Your a girl you shouldn't eat that much!
Once someone in my friend group made a joke on how I should lose weight because "Nobody wants a chubby boyfriend!" (They know that I'm genderfluid but prefer he/him)
This was alot and I'm sorry but I just had to talk about it!
