Letters To My Mate

Chapter Six

This chapter isn't as long as I hoped and it's sort of a filler, but if I get at least five votes on this chapter, I shall write one in Ethan's point of view?:') The next update should be in the next few days again:)

* * * *

SIX

It's been a month; a whole, long, eventful month. My father hasn't been home much, but any time he decided to have some 'fun', it would be a lot worse than it used to be – I would end up with multiple broken bones, cuts and bruises but I managed to hide it from everyone well and still, no one had found out. Ethan had been asking me what was happening in my life and I either replied with an 'I don't know what you're talking about' or ignore his questions all together. He had seen some blood on one of my letter – from that day a month ago. I tried telling him that it was 'just a paper cut' but somehow I can tell that he doesn't believe my lies at all... He can never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever find out about my father. I want to be accepted by someone for once...

Every week I have sent and received a letter from Ethan Miles and every time a smile graces my face. Ethan. Just his name makes my heart do backflips and tingles spread throughout my body. My heart beats faster and I count the days until we will talk again; he was perfection to me and I still had no idea what he looked like. I had felt guilty that I could never get him a birthday present and I expressed these feelings in one of my letters, and he had replied with: 'If you send me a picture of what you look like, then I'll be happy ;) that's the best present I could ask for.' So I did. I had asked Mrs Greene to take a picture of me with an old, rubbish Polaroid camera we had found. I attached it to my most recent letter, with hope that he didn't judge me; I didn't want him to leave me like everyone else. I'm still waiting for his reply now. I wonder if he'll send a picture too – I wanted to know what his blue eyes really looked like; what his smile looked like. Did he look as perfect as he did in my dreams? - I stopped my thoughts there. I thought of him way too much. He makes me happy and I'm not allowed to be happy – I'll be punished if I'm happy. But I couldn't just stop talking to him... I think I was falling in love. No. I clenched my eyes shut, hands running through my hair. I couldn't! I quickly searched 'what does love feel like?' on the internet and scrolled through the answers. 'Your heart beats faster just thinking about that person,' check. 'When you see them, your heart lurches for fear that you'll never see them again,' in every letter... check. 'an uncontrollable feeling that puts that person in your thoughts 24/7. All you can think of is when you will be with or hear from that person again and what you can do for them to make them happy. You accept them for who they are with all their faults.'

I feel so weak, like I'm out of control of my thoughts and feelings. No matter where I am or what I'm doing, my thoughts would drift to Ethan; what's he doing? Is he alright... safe? But most of all is he thinking of me too?

Do I tell him? No. He can never know. It can't be love anyway; I have no idea what love is, I've never met him before and God would never allow anyone to fall in love with me anyway. I used to believe in soul mates – the fact that everybody had one person somewhere in the world that is made for them and that will love them unconditionally. But now, I know I don't have one. It was my punishment for my mother's death. Even if I did he'd never accept me; he'd reject me as soon as he saw what I looked like. I sighed into my hands, shaking my head. Ethan wasn't my soul mate so why was I thinking about all of this? Shaking my head once more to rid of all of these thoughts, I stood up from my mattress and looked at the time on my broken alarm clock; six a.m. I had time to shower, get dressed and then walk the long trek to school.

***

"Rachel, can I speak to you please?" I heard Mrs Greene ask gently from behind me as I tried to sneak out of the door that separated the now-empty classroom from the loud, crowded hallway that was filled with students rushing to get to their next lesson.