All this Time

Gabby

1st March

Nathan is still in bed sleeping from his night out at the pub. Though I think it was the time we spent in bed after he got home that really tired him out.

This morning I have to talk to Lydia about Nathan and I. This sneaking around is getting dangerous, especially because I'm finding it harder and harder to keep my hands off Nathan. I'm in love with him, I want to be in love with him and I want all the things that come with love.

Lydia and I decide to go out for breakfast at the diner. That's not where I'll break the news, because doing it in public would be unfair. But a nice morning out together might help when it comes time to tell her I'm in a new relationship.

I leave a note for Nathan on the bench, telling him he can join us if he wakes in time and then we go.

The morning is chill, there's no snow but the roads are slick and the front lawns glitter with frost. Sometimes I think about moving to California for the sheer fact that I wouldn't have to deal with these temperatures.

I thought about moving a lot after Josh and I broke up.

Now I'm thinking about Nathan and how I couldn't stand to be apart from him. He'd never leave Castle Rock.

Like a crashing wave, I'm hit with this creeping sensation of doubt. Doubt over whether or not I'm doing the right thing. I haven't been single for more than three months and now I'm head over heels in love with another man. It's not Nathan causing doubt. It's me and the way I might've thrived in California if I gave it a chance.

I went to Denver for Josh.

I'm thinking about hanging around in Castle Rock for Nathan.

Sure, mom is here too. But she wouldn't have held me back. Is it time for me to do something that I want to do?

I could do online courses wherever I am, I could get into teaching in California, or wherever. When have I ever made a move because I wanted to, not because it was expected of me?

One thought about the cold weather and I'm spiraling into a deep pit of what if's?

Lydia and I get a table in the diner and all I can think about is whether I'm moving too fast or too soon. I can't tell her about Nathan if I'm having these impulsive thoughts to spread my wings. I do love Nathan, I'm in love with him but haven't I learned that situating myself somewhere for the sake of a man is not the recipe for true happiness?

Lydia sips her hot chocolate on the other side of the small square table while I slip my phone out and start texting Dallas.

Would you let Lydia and I move in with you if we wanted to move to California?

My phone clunks down on the table top when I drop it with little care and push my hands into my hair, letting out a long sigh. This isn't right, this restless stir I feel to see what else is out there. Nathan is the best thing that has ever happened to me, I'm in love with him and it doesn't make sense that I'm . . . scared. None of these sudden feelings make sense.

"Baby," I look at the little girl across from me, her chin almost touching the table top because she's so small in her seat. Her brows lift a little, indicating that she's listening while she sticks her fork into a piece of bacon.

"If you could live anywhere, where would it be?"

Her chin tilts up, eyes narrowing in thought. I love how her answers get so much of her attention. "The Encanto village," she bounces in her seat, full of excitement at the prospect of living in a place made of magic. I'm not sure if it's based on a real village or fictional for the movie, but it's a little out of our league regardless.