forward / slash ✭ matt sturniolo

FORTY

══✿══╡°˖✧✿✧˖°╞══✿══
IRL
italicized paragraphs = Leanna's writing
══✿══╡°˖✧✿✧˖°╞══✿══

TW: suicidal thoughts

It's been a month since the release of  Leanna's single. Four days after the song had come out, Jude had messaged her to apologize. He was remorseful enough for Leanna to forgive him. Now, with her single's success (it's gained over one million streams) mixed with the triplets' Youtube blowing up, she had been receiving a shit load of hate. Before the boys' channel had surpassed one million subscribers, she had received hate comments. But now, the amount has at least quintupled. Her direct message requests are filled with people telling her to stay away from the triplets, calling her ugly, and making fun of everything she does. Usually, Lea would ignore them. However, with the rate that they're coming, it's impossible to do that. No matter how much she tells herself not to, Leanna always finds herself scrolling through her comments.

hater647: she is so fucking ugly

hater230: does she know her music sucks?

hater915: STAY AWAY FROM THE TRIPLETS

hater887: I feel like she thinks shes a lot prettier than she actually is LMAOO

hater333: ewwwww she's so annoying in the boys older videos... thank god for rory

hater932: kys babes

Leanna really can't help but cry. She feels so stupid for it, but it's happening before she can think about it.

Maybe they're right? She mentally notes as she exits out of Instagram. Leanna runs her fingers through her hair, thinking about how she wants to disappear or take some eternal rest where she doesn't have to deal with the surging amount of online hate. Leanna wants to escape herself so badly, to detach herself from reality just for a day. Reaching for her phone, she decides to call her aunt. Leanna tries to stifle the disappointment when she doesn't pick up. She moves on to her mom, who also doesn't pick up. That's what she does for the next five minutes.

Scroll through her contacts. Press call. Hang up when the call gets sent to their voicemail. She's never felt this alone.

She groans loudly as she rests her head in her hands. Leanna needs to talk to someone. Odette is in class, Lilith is busy with her dads, and her parents and aunt are at work. What the hell is she supposed to do? Her mind racks through any possible solution for the sense of worthlessness she's feeling.

Distract yourself! Her mind shouts. So, she does. Or at least she tries to. Leanna is scrolling through her camera roll from her time in New York. Her smile widens when she finds a photo of her aunt in a cowboy hat. Then, she's remembering their conversation in the car. Leanna lights up as she rummages through her backpack for a piece of paper, thanking her lucky stars that she finds a scrap piece of paper and a pencil. Sitting down at her desk she remembers what her aunt told her in the car.

'When we write down our thoughts on paper and throw them out, we mentally discard them as well. It lessens the power of harmful thoughts. ' Her aunt's voice is clear in her mind as she begins to write.

I had my first suicidal thought today. I say 'first' but there's been other instances. The only difference is that before they were fleeting—quickly replaced by the thought of something else. It's different now. It's an incessant thought looming over me.

It doesn't help that I feel so fucking lonely. Not one person I called picked up and I know they're busy but it still makes me feel like shit. It's selfish and I know I shouldn't think like this but I wish something could just happen to me so I could get their attention. I mean, does it matter if I hurt myself for attention? I'm not going to do it. I'm just thinking about it— a lot. I'm pretty sure that's not as bad.

And I'm glad my music is doing well, I just wish I knew the amount of criticism I had opened up for myself. The amount of hate is just overwhelming and I just want to feel different. I just don't know how to do that. Maybe I'll get a piercing? Or a haircut? I don't know. I don't know anymore. I hope this writing shit down works.

Leanna reclines in her seat. She bites the eraser as she rereads what she's written. Dumping her thoughts did make her feel better, but that's only half of what she needed to do. Crumpling the paper into the ball gives her a sense of relief.

Huh, who would have thought?

She throws the paper into the barrel underneath her desk and her eye trail to the mirror beside it. Leanna plays with the ends of her blonde hair. The feeling of wanting change is still there. A piercing isn't big enough to make her feel different. The door to their dorm opens and Odette throws her backpack on her bed.

"God I hate my Psych professor." Odette takes off her shoes and opens her drawer for a change of clothes.

"I think I want to dye my hair." Lea blurts out.

Odette is throws on an oversized shirt, putting her hands on her hips as she look at her roommate. "What colour?"

"I don't know. But I want to dye it." Lea declares confidently. She throws on her jacket and pats it down for her car keys.

"Oh, you meant now?" Odette asks from her bed.

"I'll be like ten minutes." Lea shouts behind her as she leaves their dorm room.

If she wanted to escape herself, then changing her hair might be the only way.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

this chapter is very Least Favorite Only Child by Leanna Firestone coded

we are near the end stages of this book which is fairly exciting!

until next time <3!